Wednesday, June 01, 2005
hav a reallie great time 2dae at DVC. even though e kids almost drove e 3 of us mad. n e food juz nv seem 2 get betta. hahaz. e 3 of us were happily gossipin awae. hahaz. esp abt tis boy who seem 2 like tis gurl vry much. hahaz. he is a vry naughty boy until he partnered e gurl n holds her hand. n frm time 2 time. he will look at her hand n smile. oh my goodness. tis is how sweet lahz. hahaz. n was kana sabo by francis. oh well. shall nt elaborate. but i will be sharpenin my knife juz in case i need it. hahaz.
n i realise tt next wk. i will nt be workin w them animore!!! arhz! i m attached 2 a B class (which i hav been complainin 2 samantha 4 a vry long time. coz i nv get 2 work in a B class. w pri 4 to 6 students) but i dun wanna change now!!! i m goin 2 pester e admin 2 change mi back. coz i reallie enjoy laughin w mas n francis!
aniwae poor mas met a pervert 2dae. tt scares her out of her wits. n tis reminds mi of tt mrt pervert i met. eekz! okok. shall nt tink 2 much. tis is so disgustin. i was tryin 2 come up w all weird methods 4 her 2 escape frm e sight of e man. n apparently they didnt work vry well. oopz.
juz finished tokkin 2 mas on e phone. hahaz. we r reallie gd at crappin. hahaz. but we did produce sum results regardin e item tt is 2 be put up by e children on fridae. so yahz. nt considered as crappin lahz.
actuallie i juz dun wanna sae anitin lahz. coz after tryin so hard 2 sae tings 4 so long. n yet still unable 2 communicate effectively. i decided i shld reallie juz shut up. i hav changed. i nv deny tt. i hav changed 2 be more jokes intolerant. n i nv hide e fact abt it. i tried. i tried 2 sae tt i dun like it. but in e end notin much changed. n i m seriously too tired 2 go back 2 e old mi. 2 be nice 2 everywan. 2 accept everywan's streak of insensitivity n try 2 laugh it off. i m alrite w jokes. but when it boils down 2 personal attack. dun blame mi. i dun like personal insults. on others n on myself.
everywan has their own probs. whether in their family or at work/sch. there is tis chinese proverb 'jia jia you ben nan xian jing' which basically mean tt each n every family out there has their own probs. so one shld nv compare one's prob w another's. coz it's unfair 2 both. i may complained alot but i tink i lessen down now. one will nv noe completely wat e other is goin thru unless one is tt person.
i nv sae tt i m an unlucky person. until tis yr. hahaz. but after awhile. i muz admit tt wout my pinkie. i wun be here now. therefore. i believe tt wateva happen. happen 4 a reason. i used 2 tell pple tt i hav an affinity 4 medicine. n pple will go 'huh?'. hahaz. beside e fact tt i will always try 2 get my hand on attachment prog 2 hospitals. i hav actuallie experienced hospital since i was young. i started 2 visit my sis in e hospital when i was 4 yrs old. as my sis was diagnosed w abnormal amt of red blood cells n white blood cells. when i was 10 yrs old. my sis has lupus n was hospitalised in e intensive care unit 4 6 mths. durin tt period of time. my father sleep in e corridor of e hospital every nite. i nv c him unless he came home 2 shower (once awhile, as most of e time he showered in e hospital) or i go 2 e hospital 2 visit my sis. i almost lost her when i was 11 yrs old. i was called 2 go 2 e hospital in e middle of e sch coz e docs sae tt my sis will nt survive e nite. my whole family stayed in e hospital 4 e nite. i dun noe whether u experienced tis b4. but hav u eva c ur loved one changed so much until u can barely recognise her? i did. my sis is so bloated w water tt i almost cldnt recognise her. she cannt breathe on her own. she has 2 rely on e machine 2 pump air into her lungs thru e openin in her throat. she cannt speak. all she can do is try 2 scribble words on e paper tt e nurse handed her. n all she wrote was 'i wan to go home'. everydae. she will write tis. everytime e docs come 2 c her. she will write tis. everydae my father go n c her. she will write tis. she is so angry w everywan tt she pull off her breathin tube n her saline drip. she refused 2 c my father. she refused 2 take medication. n all tis while. her major organs r failin. her lungs has water retention. her liver is failin. her kidney is nt workin properly tt she almost has 2 go 4 dialysis. my mother cried everydae. at nite. when she thot i was asleep. i was young. but i noe tt i dun wan my parents 2 go thru tis eva again. i dun wanna such tings 2 happen 2 other pple.
becoz of e medical bill. my mum hav 2 work. n everydae after work she will rush 2 e hospital. n i will go 2 my neighbour's house until she came back frm e hospital. do u noe how it feels like? i doubt u do. but tis is sumtin i will remember foreva. tt's y i always tell myself tt i m lucky. in e sense. i still hav my sis w mi. n now i hav a niece. actuallie i hav quite a high percentage of gettin lupus myself. coz there r cases where both sisters hav e illness. nobody noe how it is spread. though there r sum theories on inheritance factor. after goin thru a op myself n experiencin 4 myself wat gd docs r. i wanna be one.
u can sae tt i m a selfish person. in e sense tt i onli tink abt wat i wan most of e time. n tt i dun discuss w others wat i tink. i may be lackin in others' opinions. but as far as i can. i try 2 consider all sides. quoted frm e analysis. i m sumwan who rely heavily if not completely on my own experiences n hunches. tt's y i rarely act on e advice given by others. i will listen n tink thru. but ultimately i will still follow my wae of doin tings. 2 mi. even after i give u e clear indication but u still dun get it. then i will nt bother n worry myself abt it. if u reallie noe mi as a fren. then u noe mi. if nt. i m too tired 2 try so hard once more 2 make u like mi. if in ur eyes. i m sumwan who throw tantrums frequently. then maybe rite frm e start we r nv on e same rd. as 4 other stuff. i tink i shld juz let e past settle n move on.
i nv like 2 confront others. coz i try my best 2 avoid conflict. if i dun like u. i minimise contact w u. in tis case we will hav less reason 2 be unhappie w each other. another pt will be e fact tt i dun tink i m in e position 2 confront aniwan. i hav my own flaws. n i try 2 accept others' too. so no matter how hard it goes. i will juz complain 4 e sake of complainin. after tt i wun mention it again.
life is such a irony. dun u tink so? hahaz. i hav been forcin myself 2 laugh 2 much. at 2 mani unpleasant n unnecessary tings. 2 mi now is. if fate is like tis. i will accept it. but nt wout a last fight. when all avenues hav been tried n i still failed. maybe it's time 4 mi 2 move on in a totally different direction. watchin sunrise n sunset w e clouds n colours in front of mi is one of e ultimate luxury 2 mi. i wan 2 c e sunrise soon.
