Reflection
Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you'll never know me.
Everyday,
it's as if I play
A part.
Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.
But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show,
who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be
a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
Monday, February 28, 2005
ok i m typin tis entry w a 2tal of 8 fingers rite. coz my family doc juz bandaged my fourth finger 2 my pinkie rite. sighz...now i look like sum wan who is beginning 2 get mummified. so off...typin is a chore manz. sighz. wateva lahz.
aniwae 2dae is e release of o level results. hahaz. it seem so long ago when i was goin thru e same process. quite long ago. all i remember was tt i cried rite. becoz i didnt get e results i wanted. n i thot i was seriously goin 2 be kicked out of rj rite. arhz. but aniwae e results didnt deviate much frm my 'expected' results so i guess it's ok. yahz. n i get 2 stay in rj. so no complaints. at least nt much lahz. n i got e same results as my darlin son...same no of a1s n a2s. summore same subj gettin a1s n a2s. hahaz. we reallie mother n son manz. nvm. i will get e chance 2 experience tis next yr. which i m definitely nt lookin 4ward 2 now. coz i feel like a vry big failure now. a level is tis yr. n i m still strugglin 2 pass physics n score betta 4 chem n maths rite. so gross.
aniwae muz first declare sumting. 2 all my aesapedeurians...arhz i nv 4get u all arhz. 2 my ny juniors n band juniors i also nv 4get u all arhz. e reason y i nv msg u all e whole dae is becoz tis mornin i dropped my phone in my papa's car who refused 2 believe tt my phone is in his car. until like i continuously called my phone 3 times. n jay chou sang 2 my papa 3 times. hahaz. so funnie. i can picture my papa's irritated look. yahz. my papa work in kembangan. so of course he refused 2 drive thru all e traffic jams 2 give mi back my phone lahz. so i hav no choice but 2 restrain myself frm kidnappin sum phone frm sum pple 2 msg u all. arhz. n my lesson end at like 3 plus. so yahz. can onli go 2 kembangan n get e phone frm my papa so tt i can msg u all. i so nice rite. ok. dun puke. but i do tink abt u all alot ok. hahaz.
2 those who hav done well. gd job manz. go party n play w all ur might 4 2molo...hav a life lahz...dun keep on muggin...it's bad 4 health. but if u score betta than mi then i wan a treat. which is like alot of pple. hahaz.
2 those who didnt do as well as they wanna to or expected 2. dun tink abt it so much ok. i mean if u need help rite. esp w appeals dun be shy ok? can ask mi or ur ccals. seriously speakin if u wan 2 appeal. appeal thru cca. dun try general appeal. u r wasting ur time. n dun try tt method of internal appeal. like u go 2 arts 2 appeal into science. tt method dun work also. yahz. so be more conservative n take e conservative wae when come 2 appealin. yahz. but no matter wat i juz wanna sae dun give up hope. n o level is nt vry impt. coz it dun determine which university u goin or which course u studyin. yahz. a level is more impt. n when u stepped into society. most pple dun look at o level results. yahz. so u can fight again at a levels next yr ok? hahaz. though i dun tink u will be lookin 4ward 2 it...if u r...ur brain abit need 2 c doc liao...
my sinus is gettin betta. n my throat feel betta. hopefully can go back 2 band on sat le. yeahz. hahaz. n i juz failed my physics test rite. sighz. i m down 4 physics remedial again. but nvm. i hav confidence tt w mr benny lee. such a hardworkin n nice teacher. i will be able 2 score my A 4 physics at a levels. yesh. i can do it. (i can do it) to e power of infinity. positive thots. hmmz. i wonder does tis work? aiyahz nvm lahz. shall go study 4 my maths test 2molo. which i nv done a single tutorial 4. n my bio spa skill a. which i nv study at all. i seriously tink i m on e rd 2 self destruction. congrats 2 mi...
dreaming awae at 9:17 PM
Friday, February 25, 2005
sighz. i m sick. reallie sick. physically vry ill. tis is e first time i remember feelin so horrible. even when i m typin tis now. i feel reallie ill. cldnt stop coughin. n my breathin is like how laboured n heavy. e doc sae i m on e verge of wheezin liao. eekz. it make mi sound like sum old woman. which obviously i m nt lahz. i m so young n pretti. ok. shall nt make aniwan else puke. but 2dae is reallie horrible. was breakin into cold sweat on my wae home. my skin feel clammy n cold. but i felt so hot n dry. sighz. cldnt reallie eat anitin coz was feelin vry giddy. sighz. hope i will be ok soon. i cant take tis much longer.
b4 i sae anitin else. juz wanna wish my newly born niece a HAPPIE BIRTHDAE! my sis gave birth 2 my little niece 2dae in e hospital. didnt get 2 c her but she is a premature baby. due date supposed 2 be like 2 May. but my sis condition abit e unstable. coz she got lupus n stuff. yahz. nvm. at least i got a niece 2 play w. her weight is onli 1.24 kg now. but i m confident tt soon she will be as heavy as other babies. hahaz. wonder how she look like. hmmz.
aniwae muz sae tt tis yr valentine's is e tirest valentine's i hav till now. coz was doin all e mittens 4 so mani pple. n i finished 3 bottles of fabric paint rite. hahaz. was actuallie plannin 2 write notes 4 everywan. but then realise tt i will nv be able 2 finish them so decided against it. hahaz. but was quite happie tt those who received e mittens like them. hahaz. btw. juz 4 ur info. if u r one of e mani who receive e mitten rite. tis mitten may also serve as ur birthdae presenz after all. coz i hav a supreme high tendency 2 4get others' birthdaes. hahaz. a special mention 2 samuel. my dear junior. hahaz. thanx samuel. coz u r e first person 2 give mi flower on valentine's dae. hahaz. now it's hangin upside down in my room. dryin up. hahaz. u r reallie a great junior. another special mention 2 e guys in my class. esp marlom n kevin out of e 8 lone survivors in my class. hahaz. thanx 4 e ballon. though it keep on flyin awae when i m walkin but muz sae it'a quite cute. hahaz. n marlom. stop tinkin abt e 4eva frenz bear. hahaz.
went 2 watch howl's moving castle w my band batchmates on chinese new yr dae 3. was swept awae manz by e movie. coz it's so pretti. hahaz. like e openin scene when howl 'escort' sophie up into e sky 2 escape evil beings. hahaz. tt part is like how nice. wow liao. hahaz. in e movie. he actuallie offered her e whole landscape as a presenz. sighz. i m so jealous. i wan a landscape as a presenz also. hahaz. tokkin rubbish rite. hahaz. but howl reallie abit e vain can. so nua. hahaz. vain until like tt. hahaz. but he's 2 pretti 4 mi. hmmz.
wonderin y is everywan's blog music mononoke. hmmz. hahaz. make mi miss play. quite alot. sighz. had a great time dressin up n tyin e silver cloth 2 e bassoons. make e 3 of us. samuel. dawnie n mi stand out lahz. hahaz. coz our instru is like how brown n nt silvery as compared 2 others. hahaz. e playin i cant reallie sae anitin coz i cldnt play quite alot of stuff. last min tryin 2 convert 2 another fingerin 4 e a flat key is quite horrible. sighz. nvm. at least i hav great memories of e dae. thanx 2 everywan who hav written mi e cute little cards. hahaz. n thanx 4 mentionin my little rite pinkie. thanx 2 all. luv u all vry much. muackz!
quite alot of pple's birthdae in aesapedeur hav passed. hmmz. need 2 get down 2 work soon. hahaz. once i feel betta. o level results r cumin out. sighz. reallie hope tt all is well n everywan will still be here. i will still be able 2 c everywan. cldnt imagine nt cin aniwan at all. sighz. but aesapedeur is reallie abit e dyin le. less n less pple r cumin. nvm. will juz hope 4 e best. may happiness be w us always.
dreaming awae at 9:50 PM
Thursday, February 24, 2005
well. i finallie decided 2 start bloggin after missin in action 4 so long. nvm. was plannin 2 wait till ebloggy retrieve my archives n stuff n copyin them here but since their efficiency is so lousy. decided nt 2 wait animore le. alot of stuff had happened lahz in e past 2 mths. so shall c wat i can remember n write them down. hmmz.
first of all. muz tok abt my fractured/sprained/swollen rite pinkie. small finger. abit e blur can. n e doc blur w mi rite. both of us thot it's a sprain until my x rae on tues rite. last wk durin pe. i was reallie vry dotz lahz. first i was hit in e face by e ball. next i was jabbed by the ball rite. n my finger bend due 2 e impact n fractured itself. n i thot notin much rite. n continue 2 play. until i was wreacked a few more times. n e pain is so bad tt i start 2 cry. hahaz. muz hav given quite a few pple e shock of their lives manz. tis happened on wed. 16 feb. 2 daes b4 play. rj concert w rgs n ri. dotz. summore my first concert lahz. wow liao.
went 2 c e doc. n she made mi wear tis splint lahz. which i took off everydae while showerin. went 4 rehearsal on fridae. e dae of performance. tried 2 play e first 2 songs. n pressed e key of bassoon. e pain is so intense. i was quite surprised at my ability of tolerance tt i didnt cry. becoz of tis. e bruises on my finger spread 2 e next finger n my palm. sighz. feel vry dotz lahz. y everyting also muz like tt. first concert ended up cannt play alot of stuff. n i finallie realise e importance of all 10 fingers 2 a woodwind player. sighz. but nvm i did enjoy myself 2 a large extent. except 4 e pain though i hav taken my painkiller. but muz sae i luv my juniors alot n of course my batchmates. hahaz.
when my pain killers r almost finished on tues. went 2 c doc again. summore my sinus is back in action. hav a vry bad sore throat n can feel my nose gettin blocked. so i got my self sum reallie strong antibiotics. when i tell e doc tt i cldnt bend my finger even after like so long. she tink tt it's nt juz a mere sprain n send mi off 4 an x rae. which is quite a fun experience 4 mi. hahaz. coz i nv take x rae b4. hahaz. felt quite excited. ok lahz. i m abit e off. but u dun tis type of tings so often wat. yahz. so e report was out. n when i saw e word fracture in report. my heart abit e stop beatin 4 a few seconds. coz tis mean my pinkie is goin 2 take supreme long 2 heal. n my bassoon will nt be able 2 be by my side 4 quite sum time. my doc refer mi 2 c e orthopedic surgeons at tan tock seng hospital e next dae. i was wonderin will i need 2 go 4 operation...
my first appointment was w Prof Low. who is obviously quite a big shot surgeon. he look at my hand. look at my x rae. ask mi a few qn. then he juz sae. 'you need an operation'. i abit e stunned rite. he explained tis is becoz mine is a clean break. summore it's at e joint there. so in order 2 prevent it frm movin animore n worsenin my current condition. he will recommend surgery 2 fix e bone n stop it frm movin. n let it start 2 heal. i muz hav tt kind of horrified expression on my face. coz he look at mi n sae. 'y dun i refer u 2 a hand specialist n c wat he sae?' so off i went. 2 c another doc rite. tis time round. a consultant. Dr Matthew Cheng. e same procedures repeated itself n i answered sum qns. he look at mi n told mi tt i hav 2 options.
option 1: undergo operation n let him put 2 screws into my pinkie. operation will be done within 1 wk n it will be dae surgery. so i can go home on e dae itself. i will hav 2 bear w e pain n e stitches 4 1 wk plus. after tt i might be able 2 start movin my pinkie. overall full recovery will take like 1 mths plus. n e operation cost $400.
option 2: even though i fractured my pinkie 1 wk ago. my x rae which was taken a dae ago. showed e bone 2 be in pretti gd position. in other words. it haven moved much. so e splint which i hav been wearin 4 so long. might be quite an alrite treatment after all. so i can continue wearin tis splint non stop 4 1 more wk n after tt we will take an x rae again. if e bone still haven moved. i m on e road 2 recovery. 3 wks later i most prob can start movin my finger again.
conclusion: i chose option 2. w alot of reasons. firstly. both options take ard e same time though e surgery will most probably be faster. but then i hav a lot of misgivin on surgeons after my attachment at national neuroscience institute where i saw sum reallie 'off' surgeons doin surgery. therefore i tell myself tt i will try nt 2 place myself in e place of a patient. 2ndly. e operation cost money. summore i m nt rich. i m vry broke. so obviously i will wanna take e cheap wae out rite. 3rdly. i m gettin used 2 doin quite a few tings w my left hand onli. so i guess i can bear w e inconvenience of e splint a little longer wout much complaint. yahz. so decided i will nt be adventureous.
but there is a catch. next wk if i went back n e x rae showed tt my condition hav worsen. e bone had moved. i hav no sae but 2 be sent into e operatin theatre. which i desperately pray tt it wun happen. hahaz. it betta dun happen. til my finger recover i guess i juz cant sae e pledge properly n use rite hand rule 4 physics. hahaz.
well so far e most excitin ting n happenin stuff hav being my pinkie. typin w a heavily bandaged pinkie is quite weird. but well. i tink i will get used 2 it 2. didnt go 2 sch 2dae. coz was havin a splittin headache due 2 sinus. my nose is blocked until i need 2 use my mouth 2 breathe. n my breathin is quite heavy n difficult. e non stop cough n e fact tt i cant form 1 complete sentence wout coughin w heavy traces of phlegm is vry bad. decided nt 2 torture myself in sch n stayed at home. went 2 c e doc n was given sum more medication. sighz. my medical fee 4 tis mth is like a supreme big bomb. aniwae as my condition is vry bad. n e strong antibiotic is like nt helpin matters much. she wanna mi 2 cough my phlegm in2 tis bottle n send 4 test. i was like tryin 2 cough it out in e clinic. n it was quite gross. but unfortunately i m sumwan who dun noe how 2 do such stuff so yahz. i cough until my tears rolled down n my nose start 2 run. n i feel like pukin. but notin cum out. sighz. 4get it manz. i m reallie a failure. sighz. i hate sinus. last yr i suffered so long becoz of it. n tis yr it's back again. irritatin!!!
sighz. need 2 get sum work done. esp maths coz next wk got lecture test. tokkin abt lecture test. i tink i juz failed my physics lecture test. but dun tink aniwan will be surprised. since i always fail physics. sighz. next wk there is spa 2. n class test 4 chem. i tink i m goin 2 die soon. wateva lahz. feel vry terrible now. sighz. hope i wun die. ok. i m being incoherrent now. shall stop now b4 i feel worse.
dreaming awae at 5:00 PM