Friday, April 29, 2005
was browsin some jap song website. n come across tis song. e theme song of jap drama Ice World. one of my fav show n song juz like Kiss of Life.
DIAMOND DUST ~ Himuro Kyosuke
Omae no kokoro kyou mo nakasete
Tenshitachi ga tameshiteiru
Ore no ai ga hikaru
Glass ka Haimamire no Diamond na no ka
Yuuhi ga itsuka
Kotae wo aburidasu darou
Ima wa Lovin' you
Omae wo aisu koto ga
Ikiru koto kagayaku koto
Zutto Lovin' you
Ite tsuita Loneliness
Kuchizuke de tokashi nagara... wow wow...
Kodoku no tsuki ga michita yoru ni wa
Ko-to no naka dakishimeyou
Abaredashita mune no itami wo
Kainaraseru hodo hito wa tsuyokunai'n dakara
Konya namida ni nureta
Hitomi de sugareba ii sa
Sousa Lovin' you
Dore dake kizutsuitemo
Kono ai wa Daiyamondo
Itsumo Lovin' you
Furitsumoru Loneliness
Ima wa mada kesenakutemo... wow wow
Itoshisa no kakera de Uzumeau Puzzle wa kitto
Rakuen no Atorazu
Ima wa Lovin' you
Omae wo aisu koto ga
Ikiru koto kagayaku koto
Zutto Lovin' you
Ite tsuita Loneliness
Kuchizuke de tokashi nagara Wow...
dreaming awae at 10:59 PM
ok. i m at home now. rephrased. stuck at home now. coz i juz went 2 c my doc. n undergo another round of freezing treatment. which once again. render mi unable 2 walk properly. n once again. i m tortured by pain. sighz. n e worse ting is tt i will need at least one more round of treatment before i can fully recovered. i hate tis. hmmz.
nvm. i will make full use of e hols 2 rest. or at least try 2. will be cin daddy 2molo. cant wait. let mi c. we hav nt meet up 4 like dun noe how mani billions mths. hahaz. ok abit off. erhz. e previous post is abit e depressin. so u r warned arhz. dun sae i nv warn u.
aniwae shall spend tis time wisely. will go n battle my wae thru e mountainous pile of newspaper. y cant i eva c e end of it? sighz.
juz wanna sae tis. hav been blog surfin. n realise tt sumtimes pple's naivety reallie makes mi feel insulted n amused at e same time. i dun noe lahz. i m sick n tired of all those 'we r one' stuff. coz juz 4 ur info. nt everywan is able 2 overcome e sense of failure n rejection as fast as others. n failure is nv sweet. esp 4 pple who reallie taste e sense of failure 4 e first time in their life. these type of words doesnt help. u dun noe how hard failure is 4 one 2 accept until u experienced it first hand. n of course tis doesnt apply 2 mi n yee keow. coz e 2 of us hav enough failures last yr n tis yr 2 tink abt 4 quite a long period of time. 4 those who were cut out of syf tis yr. i noe of quite a few j1s who r takin it reallie hard. yes. pearls doesnt matter 2 them. but it's tis sense of failure tt hav cause them 2 fall reallie hard. there r sum who r able 2 put on a brave front n try 2 go on w their life. but there r sum who will need more time. n pls dun sae sumting like u hope wat they can do in view of their failure. like stay behind e selected ones n give them all e support. coz u r juz being cruel. competition/tests nv fail 2 create a rift within a group. n wat both shld work 2wards is nt tis clinche 'we r one' ting. coz reality hav proven tt we r nt one. but understanding in both parties tt pple need time 2 recover. wat each party needs. like involvement thru outings 2gather n findin more common interests n topics 2 tok among them. 2 e selected ones. pls dun exclude e rejected ones n yet sae stuff like we hope tt u can support us. dun eva classified n tink tt juz becoz they r rejected they r nt gd enough. if u can straightawae admit tt u nv tink of e group now as e 'in' n 'out' grp. congrats. u r one of e rare few pple i noe. n 2 e rejected ones. i noe tt e selected ones. at least sum of them. still hope 2 hav u all back. so do be brave n try 2 mix ard them again. though u r nt in syf. u can still join them 4 activities. coz u all r always frenz. be strong n move on.
tis is juz my thots n is nt meant 2 be offensive. if u tink tt i m being unreasonable n biased. feel free 2 sae it. i m alrite w it. since i will hav tings 2 occupy mi at home. hahaz.
dreaming awae at 1:11 PM
Thursday, April 28, 2005
ok. hahaz. i realise tt i didnt blog 4 quite sum time. so let mi juz warn u. tis will be a vry vry vry to e power of infinity long entry. so if u r those who refused 2 read long entry. dun read tis ok? coz i m goin 2 use quite abit of tis entry as a wae 2 tok 2 myself. yupz.
first of all. let mi first wish Ju Yuan a happie belated birthdae. n my dear gurlz arhz. xiu li happie birthdae! i almost 4got ur birthdae. i m so sorrie. oopz.
n i muz sae tt i saw my little niece on sundae lahz. she is so small. reallie vry vry vry small. though she is like 2 mths old. but she onli weight 2kg. yahz. u get my pt. but she has reallie big eyes n ear lobes. juz like mi. hahaz. confirm a pretti gurl in e future. hahaz. actuallie my sis used 2 sae tt when i was a baby. she thot tt i will become a pretti gurl. but unfortunately. tings didnt turn out tt wae. muz be becoz she dropped mi on e ground while carryin mi when i was a baby. sighz. poor mi. hahaz.
aniwae i was tellin my mummy tt i seem 2 be like a big sis 2 my niece more than an aunt. n i most prob will e wan who luves her reallie alot. e wan who will bring her shoppin. buy her presenz every yr 4 her birthdae etc. support her if she hav ani performance. coz i tink i hope tt she will nt make e mistakes i made in life ba. hmmz.
mondae is quite nua lahz. received back my progress report. in which i hav all e subj w e grade MC except GP which i get B3. yupz. which confirmed will nt happen again 4 e next 2 major exams. n mr low is vry cunnin. in his comments. he stated tt even though i didnt take my common tests. but frm all my retests it is evident tt i need 2 put in alot more efforts in my work. wow liao. i hate him. hmmz. n chem prac is quite funnie. hahaz.
as 4 tues. life is pretti much e same. except tt i realise tt i cant do probability qns vry well. hmmz. need 2 work hard. n bio prac is quite nua lahz. sighz. i dun noe lahz. i m feelin abit empty recently. yahz.
erhz. yesterdae is a vry painful dae. coz i slammed my pinkie against my maths tys. n e pain is so bad tt e tears juz collect in my eyes. n e contact part is on on my joint there. so i hav tis ugly red mark on my joint w a even bigger n uglier bruise. e pain is so intense until it becomes numb. i hope i didnt make it worse. coz my next appt is like on 5 July. in between. i reallie hope noting else happen. as 4 my dae. notin much 2 sae except tt e dance nite rehearsal is definitely abit off. as 4 other comments i tink i will save them 4 later. was reallie pissed w some pple. shall nt complaint 2 much. nt gd 4 health. hahaz.
as 4 2dae. i survived chem remedial n bio test. hahaz. which is 2tally rubbish lahz. n e most dotz ting is e fact tt i torn my rite lens wout noein it. oopz. so yahz. was wearin my supreme old permanent contact lens which is a big mistake. coz i cldnt reallie c clearly. n it makes my eye vry vry dry. yuckz.
2 dawnie. i hope u still remember wat i sae earlier. abt 4givin urself. e whole process takes time. it doesnt happen overnite. n wheneva u feel tt u lack e motivation. pls juz tink of mi. tink of all my hopes n dreamz. since i m nt in syf animore. juz pretend tt u r playin on behalf of e both of us ok? i will be there 2 watch u all. n i hope tt u can reallie play 4 mi 2. once u realise tt u hav walk out of tis. u will discover a stronger u. i will be waitin 4 u 2 tell mi tt personally. jia you.
aniwae i was tokin 2 yee ke-ow yesterdae lahz. n sorta start mi off tinkin abt stuff. like wat if i hav make other choices. wat if i hav done other tings. will my life be diff? will i be happier? will i still be e same person?
standin here n lookin back. i realise tt i hav make alot of mistakes. e first mistake begins w e fact tt i quit canoein. e cca tt i set myself 2 be in rite frm e start. n i can juz tell u tt e trainins r reallie hard. esp e physical land trainin. i reallie almost died. due 2 e fact tt i didnt reallie exercise 4 a vry vry long time. my fitness is like basically non existent. n e water trainin r reallie difficult 2. esp due 2 e fact tt i hav vry sensitive skin. so everytime i go down into e water. my whole face will be covered w rashes. patches of red n swollen bits of skin. basically i looked gross. n i shocked quite a few of my x teammates.
but i still feel happie n belonged. though i was reallie physically vry tired. n though my canoein skills r nt reallie tt gd. n i keep on capsizin. but i did learn sumting. n i did hav fun. n e coach is a reallie nice person. a vry vry nice person. who gave us encouragements all e time. if poss i wun nt hav leave canoe. if onli i dun hav 2 make a choice then.
my relationship w my bro was nv gd after i were in sec 2. n being 2 vry stubborn n headstrong pple we refused 2 apologise 2 each other or tok 2 each other. we were maintainin tt kind of like strangers relationship. my mama was reallie vry upset abt it. but like i juz said. in my opinion. as long as i tink i didnt do anitin wrong. i dun c e reason y i shld apologise. n e onli compliment i received frm him e past few yrs was on e dae of o levels results. when he msged mi 'Congratulations. you hav proven wrong yet again'. yahz. tis is how bad our relationship is.
he was vry angree w mi 4 join canoe. coz as one of e mani njc alumni. he hav frens who were in canoe n did vry badly 4 a levels. n he was tellin my parents tt i wun study becoz of e trainins n tt i will do vry vry badly 4 my a levels. as he was e eldest son. n e most accomplished in e family. my parents listened 2 him. n my mama started 2 coax mi 2 leave canoe. tis resulted in a big row in e family. n i was so mad. mad tt he is makin all e choices 4 mi. mad tt y he shld interfere w my life. mad tt y shld i give up sumtin i like? tis of course ended up w mi shuttin myself in e rm n cryin.
my mama was vry upset. n she came into e rm 2 tok 2 mi. n try 2 make mi c my bro's pt of view. n i do noe y he sae tt. coz he doesnt wan mi 2 throw awae everyting onli at a levels. but e pt is i m confident tt i can do it. howeva when my mama sae tt if i dun give up canoe. my bro will be vry angree w mi. n i realise tt if i dun give it up. e relationship will be even more tensed. at tt point of time i sorta make up my mind.
i started 2 persuade myself tt canoe is nt 4 mi after all. tt firstly. i hav vry sensitive skin. n tis is definitely nt goin 2 help my condition. 2ndly. e trainins r reallie hard. n i dun hav e physical fitness 2 meet up w it. 3rdly. alot of pple started 2 tell mi 2 quit canoe. i was at a loss of wat 2 do.
e last dae i went down 2 e kallang river was 2 c my coach. n he was reallie vry vry nice. still as nice as eva. n when i was tokin 2 him. i cried. e first time i cried over a cca. e first time i felt reallie vry lost. he tell mi tt i will be a gd canoeist. he ask mi whether i will miss all tis trainins. all my teammates. but i cldnt speak. n tears juz roll down my face. e comfort i received frm my teammates is reallie vry touchin. but i noe tt i need 2 leave 2 prevent further tension within e family.
e daes after i quit canoein was in a mess. yee keow sae tt i look reallie vry lost. n i was desperately searchin 4 a cca. but i realise tt i cant find ani interest in ani of them. n it was at tt pt of time tt marlom offered mi a place in band. offered mi a glimpse of bassoon. n i muz sae i reallie like bassoon alot. reallie.
i joined band. tinkin tt i m fully prepared 4 everyting tt is 2 come. but how wrong i was. e beginin was reallie hard. reallie vry hard. i hav 2 make do w a reed frm dun noe where n is like how old. i hav 2 learn all e fingerins myself. n try playin all e notes. but e prob is. i dun even noe whether i sound correct or nt. i hav basically. no noeledge on music theory. i dun noe how a bassoon supposed 2 sound like. i also dun noe how 2 tongue. wat shld be e correct wae 2 shape my mouth 2 bring out e tone. nobody teach mi. my rhythm was reallie vry vry bad. i dun even noe how 2 read scores. alot of time i reallie feel like givin up. seriously. but i keep on tellin myself tt i can do it. i can do it wout aniwan's help. i will survive. i will make it 4 syf. which i obviously didnt. but tt's nt e main ting.
n wheneva i saw e canoe gurlz trainin. i cant help but wonder how will i look like now if i m part of them. how will my life be? will i be happy? will i be content? will i still be tis person i noe? i guess i will nv noe. guess it doesnt matter now. e decision was made n time hav moved on. e mi now is in a greatest mess i eva noe. i tink tis is wat they mean when they sae tt one wrong step will ruin ur life. luckily tis is nt tt bad. but it does cause more obstacles 2 appear in front of mi now. till now. i still wondered. was my decision 2 throw awae my interest 4 my family a correct choice. guess there is no use harpin on it since i cant go back n live my life all over again.
as 2 my band batchmates. i juz wanna sae tt u all r vry special 2 mi 2. it's juz tt suddenly i realise tt i hav notin 2 sae 2 u all now. i dun noe wat 2 sae 2 u all. maybe rite frm e start i shldnt hav joined band. but i muz sae tt becoz of u all. my band life hav been reallie wonderful n special. thanx 4 everyting. n 2 marlom. i dun blame u 4 'pullin' mi into band. coz i noe tt u wanna 2 help mi as a fren. dun feel bad abt it. juz wanna sae thanx to u. coz i noe u reallie treat mi as a gd fren.
dreaming awae at 8:15 PM
Sunday, April 24, 2005
oh my goodness. is there sumting wrong w mi or wat? hmmz. or is e mediacorp screwin up? coz i experienced deja vu 4 like 2 consecutive daes while watchin tv. yesterdae while takin a break frm readin newspaper. i switched e tv n watched sonic x. e new cartoon on sonic e hedgehog which remind mi of samuel's hair. hahaz. feel so bad. oopz. yahz. n they r playin e same scene i remembered watchin sumwhere b4. hmmz. most prob durin e period of time when i was struck at home after my op. hmmz.
then 2dae i realised tt there is tis show abt tis guy. durin world war 2. who accidentally noe abt e nazi's troop employment. n started tellin pple tt e war is goin 2 end. by cookin up a lie tt he came across e info frm a radio. which is a banned item durin e nazi times. which i watched halfwae b4 also. oh dear. i wonder wat's wrong w mi. hmmz. can sumwan pls enlighten mi?
n i realise tt my tagboard died. coz it keep on being 'read onli'. so yahz. wateva lahz. sighz. sianz. i m bored. n tired. n seriously dun wanna do work. oh well. but i guessed i can look 4ward 2 visitin my little niece later in e evenin. hmmz.
dreaming awae at 2:52 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
English GeniusYou scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.
| My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
| You scored higher than 76% on Beginner | You scored higher than 70% on Intermediate | You scored higher than 90% on Advanced | You scored higher than 82% on Expert | Link:
The Commonly Confused Words Test written by
shortredhead78hahaz. tis is hilarious. took tis frm samuel's blog. oh my goodness. tis show how inaccurate such tests r. hahaz. so funnie. oh dear. hmmz. but maybe tis show tt there might be a glimpse of hope 4 my gp after all. hahaz.
dreaming awae at 5:00 PM
spent my most tirin dae in sch yesterdae. though it's nt my longest dae. i almost died at e end of e dae. juz becoz of e sheer size of e new campus. i suddenly missed e old rj mt sinai campus vry vry much. coz it's so much small. so much cozier. so much friendlier. was watchin e news yesterdae. n saw snips of e old rj in e report on e nus high sch. i missed old rjc. even w its lousy facilities esp e track. oh my goodness. e horror of it. but i still like it.
so basically i spent e dae shufflin my feet/walkin on my soles 4 e whole dae. n it doesnt help tt i hav 2 move 2 alot of places. n e fact tt e lifts r always full. i waited 4 a total of 4 lifts 2 pass mi on their wae down b4 i admit defeat n tried 2 hobble down frm 4th storey 2 1M. i seriously cannt imagine wat will happen 2 mi if i were at e 7th storey instead. but tis show how irritated i was w e inconsiderate pple. yahz. i learned 2 value my feet more.
so aniwae all my teachers tink tt i m a vry dotz person. first i injured my pinkie. now i hav viral infection on both feet n can barely walk or stand 4 a long time. oh dear. i reallie make a name 4 myself 4 being e most accident prone person on earth. n i hav tis vry ugly lookin greenish-purplish bruise on my rite arm. wout noein how it gets there in e first place. which further concrete e extensiveness of my accident prone streak.
was bargainin w mr low 2 skip bio remedial coz i m like how tired n tortured by e sch. n he finally relent provided i take e bio test next mon or tues. but guessed wat? instead of being able 2 go home early after e gp tok. i was doin av duty in lt 2 4 e raffles asia prog opening ceremony w prof tommy koh gracin e event. was doin video tapin n e event last until like 5? while e gp tok i was supposed 2 attend in lt 1 ended at 4. worse still. i was sufferin frm a splittin headache. was so relieved when i finally reached e end of e dae n was inside my papa's car. thanx goodness. i seriously dun tink i can make my wae 2 bishan mrt.
so i went home. took a shower. n was sound asleep by 6.40 pm until 1 plus am. hahaz. cldnt sleep after tt. was tossin n turnin b4 i fall asleep at ard 3 plus i tink. hav spent better of 2dae battlin my wae thru e mountain of newspaper. n i m sad 2 sae i m still vry far awae frm e end. realise tt i hav alot of hmwk n test 2 study 4. goodness. hopefully will be more productive later on.
juz wanna sae sometin. sumtimes e hardest ting 4 a person is 2 learn 2 forgive oneself. forgive oneself 4 being human. 4 being an imperfect living being. 4 having limits. 4 nt meetin up 2 expectations. i m statin myself as a real life example. i failed my expectations. whether it was in studies. in cca. in my health even. i took a vry long time 2 recover frm my failure 2 be normal after my injury. even my therapist was like tellin mi tt i m pushin myself wae 2 hard. tt tis will make my pinkie worse instead of betta. but i learnt. i learned tt ultimately as long as i noe i put in e efforts. even if i failed 2 meet e mark. i shldnt be ashamed of myself. be disappointed. coz i did try everyting within my means. n i did gain sumting in return. even if it was gained frm e process of cryin non stop. of harpin onto e past. of fearin everyting tt can poss happen in e future. of blamin myself. of hidin sumwhere n refused 2 face aniwan. at least i did learn sumting.
i always tell myself since i was old enough. tt i shall live a life w no regrets. true. i didnt manage 2 do it in e manner i set out 2 achieve. but i did attain tis life long rule to a certain extent. in e sense tt i learnt 2 look 4ward. life wout a regrets doesnt necessarily mean reallie a life wout regrets. but it can be a life w regrets. but w e acceptance of e presence of such regrets n e ability 2 learn frm them n move on. sumtimes pushin oneself 2 hard doesnt mean attainin e goal set out 2 achieve. juz like wat happen 2 mi. my pinkie deteriorate. nt attainin a goal doesnt mean failure 2. it means success. success in understand oneself betta. noein own's limitations n acknowledgin tt one is a human being after all. an imperfect person. n need a listenin ear. a shoulder. n a hug at times...
dreaming awae at 3:57 PM
Thursday, April 21, 2005
erhz. ok. i m still struck at home. dotz. yahz. n i was wrong earlier 2 sae tt e pain is nt there. coz e pain on both my feet. continues 2 haunt mi till now. n e pain is further supported by my eva present swollen pinkie. sighz. so now i m like takin pain killers. plus walkin in a vry funnie manner on both my soles or as much as i can manage. dotz. n i minimise my movements ard e house so much tt i kept myself busy on e sofa w tis gigantic pile of newspaper which i seem 2 be nv able 2 finish readin.
so yahz. i managed 2 clear half of e pile of newspaper. but i m still left w e other half. e content heavy half. dotz. sighz. n i realise tt i hav a lot of work 2 hand in 2molo. i feel quite nua. sianz. n i still haven study 4 bio remedial test 2molo. wateva lahz.
aniwae juz wanna sae tis 2 dawnie. dun feel regretful or sorrie dear. coz ultimately no matter how much help i received. onli i can determine whether i will meet e mark eventually. n truthfully speakin. i m juz nt hardworkin enough lahz. coz i like prac bassoon 4 a few mths. then stop 4 a few mths. b4 tryin 2 continue 2 play again. tis type of progress no wonder will make my playin to be in such a wae now. so dun feel sorrie ok? i sorta bring tis upon myself lahz. n dun worry i m nt sad or wat. seriously. coz i guess all my emotions hav been used up cryin over my pinkie tt i hav none 2 spare 4 my failure 4 syf. yahz. n i do feel luved when u n samuel sae tt u all miss mi durin band prac. so u all muz play well well. n ensure tt i get 2 play 4 presentation ok? jia you horz. n dawnie. dun regret e decisions tt u hav made. coz there is no wae u can go back n undo them. which i seriously wished tt there r sum waes 4 mi 2 do tt. hahaz. considerin e great mess i got myself into last yr. but u noe wat? i sorta juz let it go le. coz i noe i cant do anitin 2 e past. wat i can do is 2 look 4ward. though my pearls n pw n pride suffered quite a big bruise tis past yr plus. n e fact tt nus med sch nv appear further than it can be now. but i still hold on 2 my dream. n i noe tt i will pursue it w all my might no matter wat. even if tt involves being debt ridden 4 a long time. so dear. dun look back now. but look 4ward. coz u still hav chance 2 explore all e opportunities offered 2 u. dun be scared. n dun be afraid 2 be urself. hahaz. hope u get my pt. tink i shld go n mug b4 i face more dire consequences.
dreaming awae at 9:25 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
great juz great. i m sufferin frm like numerous viral infection on both my feet. was so painful yesterdae nite tt i cldnt sleep. so went 2 c e doc 2dae n didnt go 2 sch. aniwae sch 2dae is abit off lahz. i onli hav 3 lessons aniwae. so decided 2 juz pon n stay at home. so aniwae went 2 c e doc. who did tis 'freezing' treatment on mi 2 kill all e virus. n i almost died of pain can. it's like -60 to -100 degree celcius. so u can imagine how cold it is lahz. n it is so cold tt i almost died of e pain. n i can straightawae tell u tt it hurts more than my pinkie after e op. so yahz. u get my pt. thanx goodness e sharp intense pain doesnt last 4eva. so yahz. but e prob is tt i cannt apply pressure on e wounds now. so i cant walk lahz. reallie cannt walk. i took like twice e time i will need normally 2 walk frm e clinic back 2 my house. due 2 e fact tt i can onli manage 2 shuffle my feet along. feel quite off. but muz sae tt my doc is vry nice. coz she charged mi like 1/4 e cost of e freezing treatment. a reallie vry thotful n nice doc. hmmz.
so here i m now. at home. plannin 2 go n try 2 do some work. n i realise tt i hav chem remedial 2molo. sighz. life is reallie horrible. i m down 4 3 remedials. all my 3 sciences. coz i screwed up my bio. dotz. my best subj. wow liao. wateva lahz. sighz. shall nt complaint 2 much. coz my rite hand can barely type now...
dreaming awae at 3:33 PM
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
first of all. juz let mi wish GLEN...a vry HAPPIE BIRTHDAE! hahaz. so sorrie. hav therapy tis mornin so didnt go 2 sch in e mornin. pai sehz. aniwae. i hope tt u hav a great birthdae 2dae. hahaz.
aniwae went 2 c my new therapist. yahz. was kana squeshed in e train. cldnt even get out of e train when i reach novena. dotz. so went 2 c my therapist whose name is janice. frm ajc. hahaz. i like do background track on all e pple i meet in e hospital like tt. hahaz. so e diagnosis is tt my pinkie hav deteriorated. yahz. juz great manz. n my pinkie is like still gettin more n more painful rite. dotz. so she taught mi tis new wae of massagin my pinkie 2 reduce e swellin. which is vry painful. i seriously tink i wun be doin it correctly. coz it's like how painful. i was basically wincin thruout e whole massage. dotz. n she gave mi tis quite fun lookin bandage tt constrict e finger n reduce e swellin. she promised mi tt if i do everything correct. my pinkie will be less swollen in a few wks time. i hope so 2. coz now it hurts.
so went back 2 sch. n went 2 photocopy all my bills frm e hospital lahz. 2 prepare 4 e handin in of e forms 2 claim e insurance. abit off lahz. n went 4 pe after tt. fitness. dotz. well i m juz unfit lahz. cant even run n jump properly. n ms sim actuallie wanted mi 2 do inclined. which i tried. but failed. cant even hold myself up properly. coz i can sorta feel my skin near my pinkie there stretched n it feels as though it's goin 2 tear. n it hurts. so yahz. shall nt be 2 ambitious.
bio spa is nua. coz i onli like spent 30 mins studyin 4 it. it's e last spa liao. but i abit e dun care le. i m feelin vry irritated w all e spas. yahz. so wateva lahz. went 4 chem remedial after tt. n went 2 eat w marlom n yee keow.
basically. i feel numb lahz. seriously. i abit like emotionless now. i dun feel anitin 4 anitin. except pain 4 my pinkie. yahz. n i m hav sorted out my priorities le. basically frm now on. all tt matters 2 mi now is my pinkie. n my studies. all e best 2 everywan in syf. muz jia you horz. so tt i can play 4 presentation. hahaz.
dreaming awae at 7:37 PM
Monday, April 18, 2005
went 2 chorale concert yesterdae. 4 av duty. feel reallie vry vry nua tt mi n randy hav 2 reach so early. like we hav notin 2 do there. xcept 2 read newspaper n listen 2 chorale rehearsing. abit off lahz. summore we onli hav 1 batt. so we walked all e wae frm Victoria Concert Hall to Raffles City Shoppin Centre to buy another wan. but guess wat? 1 battery cost like $75? wow liao. i m amazed manz. so in e end didnt buy lahz.
e concert is in my opinion. nt as gd as last yr. pardon my frankness. i was quite disappointed lahz. coz e strong n confident vocals i luved n knew frm last yr concert r no longer there. e songs presented r nt vry upliftin n all in foreign languages which no wan can understand. i noe tt tis yr theme is ard e world. but then. e songs presented r reallie weird. e 2 a cappella grps lost their magic. e wae they engaged audience a yr ago. overall. was quite disappointed lahz. coz i reallie enjoyed last yr concert alot.
almost blow up 2dae. seriously. i m goin 2 blow up. 1 of these daes. e insensitivity displayed made mi qn. y on earth will i hav tt gd impression in e first place. y did i put up w all e nonsense 4 e past yr. i m such a fool. such an idiot. i m tired. vry tired. e reason tt caused mi 2 be upset. u noe. y muz u still rub it in? do u noe how hard it is 2 try 2 act normal. try 2 think logically. think positively. 2 try 2 be happie. 2 try 2 be natural. i m nt askin alot. i m juz askin abit more understandin. sensitivity. izzt 2 much?
2dae durin chem prac. while tokkin 2 birdie. i suddenly experienced tis sharp pain at my pinkie there. cldnt stop e shout of pain in time. tink i scared birdie. so sorrie birdie. i m debatin now whether i shld start takin painkillers again. hmmz. n i realise tt durin rainy daes. my pinkie hurts more. tink i m developin arthritis. oh well. will be goin 4 therapy again 2molo. most prob will be my last therapy liao.
2dae is my papa's birthdae. though he dun noe anitin abt internet or blog. juz wanna wish my papa a vry HAPPIE BIRTHDAE! hahaz. he is gettin old. oh dear. but i still tink he is gd lookin. so ego. oopz. hahaz.
[from another place]
had audition on saturdae. was totally unprepared. n i tink i muz hav looked vry devastated. tt dawnie. started tellin mi tt everyting will be ok. tt she n samuel promised mi b4 tt they will help mi get into syf tis yr no matter wat. i guess emotions juz overwhelmed mi at tt moment. n i cried lahz. feel quite pai sehz. come 2 tink abt it.
well i m mentally prepared tt i will nt be in syf. rephrased. i m nt in syf. nt will nt be. but i juz cant help but feel reallie vry disappointed. coz seriously. i did put in e efforts 2 learn n play e instru. wout e help frm aniwan. i struggled 4 9 mths. until dawnie n samuel came at e beginnin of e yr. i dun even noe where 2 buy reeds. dun even noe wat i m supposed 2 noe. dun even noe how 2 play e instru properly. dun even noe how 2 read scales. dun even noe how 2 read e rhythm. dun even noe anitin abt music. 2 sumwan how hav a passable noeledge of scores n scales n tone. but still i didnt make e mark. if i were 2 sae tt i m ok w it. i m lyin.
i remember 1 yr ago. when i didnt get 2 perform 4 Vox at esplanade i cried. i cried 2 yii ean over e phone. cried n cried until i cld barely speak. tis is e first time i cried over a cca. cried over such ting. becoz rite at tt moment i felt so disappointed. so sad. tt all my hard work hav come 2 a nought. but at tt moment i kept on tellin myself. it's ok. i still hav syf tis yr. but now. i suddenly realised tt my band life hav juz ended. w e absense of syf. tt i hav failed e final goal i hav set 4 myself. tt everytin i hav done is juz nt enough. tt maybe i m nt hardworkin enough.
maybe i shld stop tinking.
dreaming awae at 6:30 PM
Saturday, April 16, 2005
ebloggy finally retrieve my old blog. n i juz finished transferrin e entries over. i m goin 2 delete my account at ebloggy liao. hmmz. yu kit was like tellin mi tt no wan bother 2 read e archives. but y i copied them over is nt 4 others 2 read. but 4 myself 2 read. so tt i can still remember wat happen 2 mi a yr ago.
aniwae i got back my pw results. an A2. yahz. i m ok w it lahz. since my grp is vry screwed up n such. but oh well. at least it's still an A. thanx goodness. n tt irritatin person who slacked ard so much get A2 2. i m so dotz. wateva lahz. but tis yr vry little pple got A1 lehz. hmmz. wonder wat's wrong. aniwae 2 all e j1s out there. all e best 4 pw. jia you. n may ur gp members r all hardworkin beings. hahaz.
screwed up my physics spa again. oh well. tt's old news. but i juz wanna sae tt i abit dun care liao lahz. coz actuallie e percentage tt spa make up in e results is like how small. so in e end rite. i juz need 2 do betta 4 my theory exams then i can still make it. but e prob is. my physics is nv gd. i hav been in remedial 4 as long as i can remember. hahaz. i sorta challenged mr lee 2 push my grades up juz like wat my physics teacher back at ny did. hahaz. feel so dotz.
hav audition 2dae. was vry touched by samuel n dawnie. yes. i do remember e promise u all make at e beginnin of e yr. tt u all sae tt e 2 of u will make sure i will get into syf. i was reallie vry touched. but e fact is i noe i wun get in. seriously. lookin at how i play compared 2 u all. deep down i noe 4 a fact tt i will nv reach ur standard. at least nt within tis yr. therefore i went 2 e audition w a light heart. coz ultimately i noe tt i wll nt make it. n i m reallie vry grateful 2 osh n yee kiat. who did their best 2 make mi feel relaxed n betta. esp osh. who did everyting within his means 2 make mi feel more comfortable. but i still sound reallie horrible in e end. i sound like myself 10 mths ago when i only played bassoon 4 4 mths. tt bad. sighz. oh well. guess i cant go back n redo tt. but i m reallie vry happie 2 be in band. n 2 learn such a pretti instru. i will be waitin 2 play at e presentation ceremony. hahaz.
pinkie hav been hurtin constantly in e past few daes. 2 mi. e pain seemed 2 be increasin in intensity. hopefully it's juz psychological effect. n nt reallie tt bad. hmmz. but i cant help but feel scared.
tze hui sis is in NUH now. due 2 her eye. i hope she is ok. hahaz. wanted 2 go n visit her. but she absolutely dun allow mi 2. coz she feels tt she is vry ugly now n dun wan aniwan 2 c her. hahaz. oh well. i can understand tt kind of feelin. coz i look pretti gross in my hospital pyjamas. yahz. but i was quite lonely tt time coz no wan was there most of e time 2 accompany mi. but 4 her i guess it's different lahz. coz her parents r there most of e time. i m like how jealous. hmmz.
went 2 eat w my j1 saxes juniors. hahaz. hav quite a nice time. n i like 2 irritate jermyn. hahaz. so fun. n i bought an hp pouch tt is identical 2 e wan i lost. hahaz. so happie. n i realise tt i owe alot of pple birthdae presenz. oh well. i guess u all hav 2 continue waitin. hahaz.
dreaming awae at 6:10 PM
Friday, April 15, 2005
tis is written on 29 March. in my private blog. i tink tis is reallie how i feel nowadaes. sumtimes i reallie wish tt time does heal. n i realise tt sumtimes it is reallie easier 2 write down feelins then 2 tell sumwan abt it.
truthfully speakin. i dun noe wat's wrong w mi. hav been cryin at e most unexpected moments 4 e past 3 daes. maybe i m feelin stressed. maybe i m juz tired. maybe i m juz afraid. i seriously dun noe. since no wan noe e existance of tis blog. it makes mi feel alot betta. coz i m usin tis blog to clear my thots n tok 2 myself.
hav e op 4 my fractured rite little finger. e details r in e other blog. titled "Bloggie" in e rite column. there is 2 screws inside e finger now. but my finger is no longer straight. it can no longer be straight n as flexible as it used 2 be. i dun noe whether i m mournin e loss of a gift tt i hav always taken 4 granted or wat. but wheneva i tink of my pinkie or e pain i endured becoz of it. i juz start 2 cry.
sumtimes i juz wan sumwan 2 listen 2 mi. 2 reallie listen 2 mi n nt take my words as jokes or sacarstic comments. nt 2 joke ard w my words n thots. but i guess no wan is able 2 do tt w mi after all. maybe it's all my fault. i hav been jokin ard 2 much all my life. i was nv serious once in my life. maybe i hav been sendin e wrong signals 2 those ard mi after all. as sumwan whose optimism is unbeatable in e world. who always laugh or whine. who always appear pissed or happie. sad is a word i believe no wan will associate w mi. but guess wat. i feel juz like tt now.
after e initial shock n lack of reaction or time to tink abt it. everyting juz started 2 come back 2 mi. true. my pinkie hav been fractured 4 1 mth n 2 wks le. but 4 e first 1 mth. i was happie. i mean i didnt take it vry seriously. coz i was sorta assured tt my pinkie though fractured. is still quite ok. n i hav e choice to dun go 4 operation. but i guess everyting juz change on 16 March. durin e hols when i went back 2 c my surgeon. when he tell mi tt 'u hav 2 make a decision todae'. e exact same words he sae 2 mi when i first c him n he gave mi e choice of nt goin 4 op. n i noe tis time round. i wun be given much chance. at tt pt of time. i was reallie at a loss of wat 2 do. seriously. how i shld react? wat shld i tink? wat will happen to mi? all e uncertainty juz flood up 2 mi n i guess. as a defensive mechanism. 2 prevent myself frm breakin down. i juz shut those feelins n qns up sumwhere inside mi. n deal w it as though it's juz ani other normal stuff tt i faced everydae. but u noe wat? deep inside i m so afraid. i was makin all e decisions myself. tis shuttin up of e feelins is further fasciliated by e fast schedule i was presented with. i was scheduled for op on 17 March. e dae after i c e doc. i seriously hav no time 2 tink at all. i m being pushed down tis rd nt noein wat i was doin on tis rd. or refusin 2 qn y m i doin all tis n stuff. everyting happen juz so quickly tt i hav no time 2 tink or qn. as sumwan who aspire 2 be a future doc. i sorta force myself. or make myself believe tt i m on a 'learnin journey'. a journey 2 noe more abt how a hospital works. becoz i was attached 2 hospitals twice. now i m in a hospital as a patient. in a diff kind of role. y shldnt i juz treat tis like a learnin experience?
true enough. i tried 2 learn as much as poss. every changing of dressin is a learnin experience 4 mi. e aftermath of e op is also a learnin experience. frm e removin of e more bulky dressin to occupational therapy to e removal of stitches. i learnt alot of tings. n sorta make mi understand n c 4 myself e imptance of e interactions between certain grps of pple.
but when all e excitement n shock died down. n when everyting juz become routine. n u accept them 2 be part of ur life. all those locked feelins juz started 2 come back n flood up ur whole mind. when e pain become worse. n u noe tt u r suppose 2 cut down on ur painkillers n stop relyin on e painkillers. but u juz cldnt do it. it juz prove 2 u tt u cant do it. u cant juz treat it like 'an incident' n tuck it awae sumwhere. u cant. i tried. n i failed. when i m forcin myself 2 do e finger exercise n lookin at how little control i hav over my rite pinkie. i juz cldnt help but feel e sense of failure. n regret. tt i hav always everyting 4 granted. e pain tt come w every bending. e constant pain durin e finger exercise. n e fact tt no wan reallie understand wat u r goin thru. sumtimes it's juz 2 much 4 one 2 bear.
hav been cryin in class. tried vry hard 2 control. but e tears juz rolled down. n luckily no wan realised. though i m like sittin in e middle of so mani pple. was tryin 2 straighten my finger durin lesson. but it juz absolutely refuses to. n when i touched my finger. i can alrdy feel e hard bone even though it's nt straight. i m so scared tt it's nv goin 2 be straight. though i keep on tellin myself it's becoz of e swellin n e wound. but. sumtimes no matter how much positive thots u hav. it juz doesnt help.
e expectations i hav of myself. e expectations of my surgeons. but my own weakness n failure juz make all tis seem so hard. it's juz onli a finger. but i cant even overcome it. overcome all e pain n regain my confidence n control n strength in the finger. tears juz collect within my eyes n start rollin down wheneva i tink of e pain i went thru n e uncertainty of success in e future. there r reallie times when i feel so tired tt i juz wanna stop all tis n give up. but i noe i will regret it. but lookin at it everydae. every moment. i juz cant help but feel helpless. n e tears will nv stop...
tis is written on 1 April
do u eva hav such a feelin. when u r in e middle of a rm tt is filled w pple. yet u feel vry much alone. as if those ard u r notin but a blur of movin images. n u r juz there. sittin there. alone. vry much alone. n no matter how hard u try 2 reach to those movin images u juz cant do it.hav been cryin myself 2 sleep everydae. cried so much tt 1 of e daes my eyes r so swollen tt it is vry obvious 2 1 person tt i hav been cryin. yes. 1 person onli. how pathetic. how tragic. hahaz. i m supposed 2 hav alot of frenz. but wat happen 2 these frenz?
i realise tt keepin silence. keepin everyting inside is a much betta option than 2 tell aniwan. coz in e end. nt much of wat i sae will be listened by others. n i will juz feel neglected after e experience. n loneliness will start 2 creep in.
hav been listenin e e song 'Reflections' over n over again. i feel as though it's juz describin mi. i m tt gurl who cannt identify herself w e person/image she saw in e mirror animore. puttin up a happy facade is vry tirin. a facade of optimism. a mask of cheerfulness. when wat i wan is juz 2 find a corner n hide myself there. n let e tears flow.even bloggin in tis blog will make my tears flow. i m reallie wonderin. wat hav happen 2 mi? wat happen 2 e 'old mi'? hav i changed so much tt i cant recognise myself animore?
well. tt basically sum it up. wat i feel nowadaes. y i will always get into mood swings. but i muz sae sumtin. i do learn 2 be lonely. 2 learn how 2 be alone. coz sumtimes. be w urself is e best remedy. is e best wae 4 urself 2 learn more abt urself. n finally come 2 terms w urself. i guess ultimately i will juz hav 2 continue 2 live w e pain. n hopefully soon. i will learn how 2 be e mi i always noe.
dreaming awae at 9:35 PM
Thursday, April 14, 2005
HAPPIE BIRTHDAE YU KIT!!! HAPPIE BELATED BIRTHDAE SELENE. IRENE.
hahaz. realise tt i mia 4 quite sum time le. erhz. hmmz. shall try 2 recall wat happen lahz. since my memory is like how bad. shall tok abt a tempo first. yahz.
spent my whole sundae doin presenz 4 my batchmates n my juniors. hahaz. feel abit nua. but i muz sae tt i actuallie quite gd w handicraft. hmmz. feel so proud of myself. like real lahz. hahaz. n as i was doin e presenz. didnt get 2 prac bassoon. but oh well. i guess last min prac doesnt help much aniwae. yahz.
on e dae of atempo was quite excitin lahz. hahaz. my second concert in my life. my first concert in esplanade. due 2 sum misunderstandin. i didnt get 2 perform 4 vox last yr. wonder whether feelin will be diff. hmmz. oh well. aniwae i look like as though i was goin 2 move house like tt. hahaz. let mi c. i carried my bassoon. w my bag of handmade roses. w my uniform bag tt basically consists of my blazer. shirt. skirt. tie n tie pin. n my sch bag which is filled w my lecture notes. tutorial. pencil box. calculator. shoes. stockings. juniors' presenz. reeds. seat strap etc. basically alot of tings lahz. i muz look so dotz. oh well. shall nt complaint abt tt.
went 2 hav lunch at 11 am. i m like how guai. unlike so mani pple. who pon early. tsktsk. hahaz. aniwae after tt i was helpin jensen fold paper cranes 4 his letters 2 other pple. fold until my whole hands r filled w glitter. hahaz. was quite nua after tt lahz. slack ard while waitin 4 e bus 2 come. n when e bus finally come. we realise tt there r nt enough seats 4 e woodwinds. or simply e saxes. but some of e guys r reallie nice n let e j1 gurlz sit. so nice. hahaz. i was sittin beside anmin who was rushin her notes while i was tryin 2 repair some of my flowers tt hav disintegrated. oopz.
e changin rm is nt bad. hahaz. but all e gurlz squeeze into a single rm. n there r like 10 of us in 1 rm. hahaz. n e changin into uniform is reallie hilarious. i was like standin at e door n screamin 2 whoeva tryin 2 enter e rm tt e gurlz r changin. e frenzy is actuallie quite funnie come 2 tink abt it. n e feelin i hav durin e rehearsal. sittin there on e stage under e lights is reallie special. i guess tis is wat i m lookin 4ward 2 ba. hmmz. after all i nv c myself as a performer on stage until tt moment. guess i will miss tis quite alot when i leave band.
juz wanna sae thanx 2 all my frenz who turn up 4 e concert despite being so busy. first of all muz thanx my 408 clique. esp yii ean. nan xiao. boon2. xiang2. sok ee. thanx so much. i seriously miss e 3 of u frm hc vry much. so long nv c each other le. n though u all hav s paper. but u all still rush down 2 c mi. reallie luv u all vry vry much. thanx 4 e flowers. luv them! hahaz. n though u all dun noe wat a bassoon sound like. or cant hear it. i m glad tt u all r here. juz here 2 acknowledge my efforts. 2 show ur support 4 mi. i guess tis is wat i noe as frenz ba. luv u all always.
thanx 2 woo chiao. hahaz. seriously i didnt noe tt u actuallie remember mi. though we always irritate each other. guess ultimately u r a reallie gd fren. n we do hav a common background. havin come frm e same cca back in sec sch. n being involved in e same parade. hahaz.
thanx 2 wei jie n benny. thanx 4 rememberin mi n being there 2 support. hahaz. dun worry i will be there 4 e guitar concert. n benny u r reallie a vry nice person.
thanx 2 zhao yi. hahaz. though u leave abit e early but then it's ok i guess. since u hav another fren. hahaz. thanx 4 being such a great fren e past 1 yr plus.
thanx 2 jensen yee kiat n marlom 4 e chocs. hahaz.
thanx 2 samuel n dominic 4 e choc n e ice cream stick. hahaz. thanx 4 being such nice n carin juniors who visited mi durin my hospital stay. both of u r reallie gentlemen. though sumtimes u all r quite mean. hmmz. hahaz.
thanx 2 my saxes juniors who bought mi tis reallie nice 'bassoon care kit'. hahaz. tt hav 'swaps'. 'key oil'. 'glower' etc. thanx. it's reallie vry creative n nice. thanx.
well tis settle my a tempo XVI. as 4 feelin i hav. i juz wanna express my gratitude 2 everywan who hav encourage mi on e wae n e help tt everywan hav given mi. actuallie i m at a loss of wat 2 sae. maybe i shall leave it at tis now.
aniwae tues was quite horrible lahz. i was practically 'sleepwalkin' e whole dae. luckily 4 mi i didnt hav 2 undergo e torture of like 2 hr worth of prac. instead i leave e sch at 1 plus 4 my check up at tan tock seng. so here i go. off 2 c my consultant again.
was actuallie quite early. hahaz. coz i 4gotten tt i dun need 2 take x rae 4 tis visit. take so much x rae. take until i dun remember tt i dun need 2 take le. oh well. so i was like juz sittin there at e waitin area. rottin. n listenin 2 my phone's mp3. e vol was pretti loud. basically i cldnt hear e surroundin. but guess i muz hav sum sort of sixth sense lahz. coz when my doc stepped out of e consultation rm. i juz happened 2 look up. hahaz. n he juz stopped in his tracks n look at mi. arhz. i m so impt rite. like real lahz. aniwae he hold up his hand n clench his fist. n gave mi tis question look. so i minic his action w my rite hand n clench my fist. though it wasnt a complete clench. he seem pretti satisfied w my progress n ask mi 2 keep it up. feel quite encouraged. hahaz.
so aniwae in e end i didnt get 2 c him lahz. i mean in consultation. i ended up cin e rjc alumni doc again. hahaz. oh dear. i tink she juz became my permanent doc liao. hahaz. n she call mi e 'rjc bassonist'. feel abit dotz. hahaz. n i realise tt she cldnt be a HO coz seriously i dun tink any HO will be given such a 'impt role'. yahz. so my guess now is tt she is a senior MO of at least 4 yrs of workin experience or studyin 2 become a specialist/on e wae 2 become an associate consultant. coz she follow up on e out patients on e behalf of Dr Cheng n she used his chop while writtin down e notes. yahz. so i was like askin her how come i hav tis scar on my rite wrist. n she was tellin mi tt it's becoz durin e op. when they were placin e green sterile cloth over my hand n clippin it. they accidentally clipped my skin. n leave e scar there. as i was asleep then. so obviously i dun noe wat's happenin lahz. hmmz. feel so dotz. like tt also can. wow liao.
n e reason y my finger feel numb is becoz when Dr Cheng was finishin up e op. 2 exit frm my finger. he most prob stretched e nerves at e side of my pinkie n caused my pinkie 2 be 'traumatised'. tis is e exact words ok. i reallie hav a great affinity 4 e word 'traumatised'. excellent manz. n i received my mc frm napfa. yahz. 4 e first time i actuallie get 2 c her own chop. hahaz. w her own name. yahz. so she is Dr Low Mei Yi. frm rjc. dun noe which yr. n frm fencin. hmmz. ok lahz i m bored lahz. so was like chattin w her. hahaz. n she was like askin mi whether i m an arts or science student. whether i wanna 2 study medicine. n assurin mi tt it's vry easy 2 get into med sch. hmmz. i seriously dun tink so lehz. oh well. i m tinkin 2 much now lahz. aniwae since my progress is so gd. they decided they shld onli c mi 3 mths later. as my swollen pinkie. Dr Cheng sae tt it is goin 2 take a vry vry long time 4 e swellin 2 come down. it may nv fully come down. so yahz. i juz hav 2 be contend w it. n i will be takin an x rae 4 e next visit. now u understand wat i mean when i sae tt i take so much x rae until it becomes a routine.
watched ms congeniality 2 w yee keow. didnt go 4 e batch outin coz heard tt we will be eatin sakae sushi. n i seriously dun wanna eat sushi. summore i dun wanna watch swing gurlz lahz. though it's band related. yahz.
hav chem remedial 2dae. did e distinguishin tests test 2dae. was quite ok lahz. went 4 e gp tok 2dae. 2 listen 2 Dr Balakrishnan. yahz. e minister 4 community development. youth n sports i tink. hahaz. he is reallie a vry engagin speaker. n he doesnt use a script at all. but e prob is tt his speech is like a summary of wat is inside e social studies textbk. oh well. but e Q n A is quite interestin lahz. hmmz. n i do support e buildin of e casino. yahz.
n i wanna sae tis 2 everywan who is readin tis. tt's my tolerance level has a limit. no matter how seeminly unaffected i appear 2 be. pls noe ur limit. ur jokes on my physical appearance n insensitivity is vry hurtful. n 2 tell u e truth. i m nt vry myself nowadaes. maybe becoz of e pain i feel everydae. maybe of sum other reasons. i realise tt i cldnt cldnt my emotions as well as i used 2 be. i cry at e most unexpected moments. n pls juz bear a thot 4 mi now. coz i seriously dun noe when i m goin 2 blow up. n seriously i dun tink it will be a pretti sight. i seldom cry in e past. but i guess now it's slightly different. maybe tis is e reason y i like 'reflections' so much. coz i suddenly cant find e mi i noe animore.
dreaming awae at 10:30 PM
Friday, April 08, 2005
erhz. i abit e 4get wat i wanna 2 blog le. aiyahz. i m gettin senile. oh well. tt's old news aniwae. hahaz. hmmz. shall try 2 recall wat happen 2 mi lahz.
erhz. hav a peaceful wed mornin. e normal wed mornin. played handball 4 pe again. n i screamed like mad again. coz e same routine of 'puttin up my rite hand. realised tt my pinkie is vry vulnerable. n put down my rite hand again' was observed again. yahz. n i learned how 2 bounce e ball w 2 hands n run w e ball 2. hahaz. feel so gd abt myself. like real lahz. n i got slammed in my tummy by aishah. which is like one of e mani minor accidents tt can happen 2 mi lahz. feel so unlucky. hmmz. aniwae. constance was like tellin mi tt most prob i hav vry slow reflexes tt's y i m so accident prone. but i always tink tt my reflexes r gd lehz. or r they nt?
went 2 finish up my bio test after tt in e library. wow liao. i reallie nv plan my time properly lahz. spent 2 much time on e essay. left like quite a few structured qns blank. n onli hav 15 mins 2 do 30 mcq qns. n since i nv study transport in plants. i juz anihow guess e answers. n guess wat. all of them r wrong. cant believe tt i m so unlucky. wow liao. dotz.
went 4 e supreme nua gp tok after tt. was late lahz. so was runnin like a mad woman. n e speaker is like how dotz. he prepared 2 script n juz read frm there. usin all those terms tt i nv hear b4. so obviously i dun reallie understand wat he was tryin 2 sae. he is practically drivin mi 2 sleep.
rush 2 band prac after tt. erhz. feel quite dotz lahz. coz was vry vry tired le. feel vry drained. so didnt reallie play much. sighz. n a tempo is like how far awae. sighz.
present my grp's essay outline n intro 4 gp yesterdae. was quite bad lahz. coz i seriously wasnt tinkin straight. actuallie 4 e whole of tis wk i feel as though i m a walkin zombie n is juz too exhausted 2 tink. so managed 2 survive e ordeal. yahz.
hav chem remedial after tt. rephrased. shld be chem test lahz. on organic chem reactions' reagents n conditions. made alot of nua mistakes. n ended up onli juz passin e test. 27/50. can i murder myself? ok. tt's a wrong usage of e word murder. wateva lahz.
was supposed 2 teach tuition after tt. but my tutee cancelled it last min. so i was like left w notin 2 do. wanted 2 prac bassoon. but realised tt i nv bring my reeds n seat strap. so ended up rottin w yu kit. hahaz. feel so happie 2 be w yu kit. coz can whine at her non stop n she will nv scold mi. hahaz.
as 4 2dae. wrote an essay on 'city life becomin more unattractive'. sighz. was a piece of reallie lousy work. coz i cldnt finish lahz. so was anihow writin le. then nv checked thru my essay at all. so confirmed got alot of grammer errors n all e other stuff. sure gonna fail liao lahz. but as i mentioned b4. eng shld nv be my first lang. sighz.
was doin maths tutorial on numerical methods 4 e past 2 daes. was vry vry irritated w e tutorial. coz it's like how tedious. wow liao. muz draw graph. then do so mani calculations. n u will feel supreme sianz n irritated if u dun get e answers. n when mr tay went thru e qns in class. i realise tt my answers differ frm his by a lot. oh well. maybe i m juz nt suitable 2 be usin e calculator.
physics prac is dotz. nvm. it's my last 2 spa le. next fri is my spa skill c. mr lee is nice lahz. sighz. but i juz cant force myself 2 be more enthu abt physics. hav physics remedial w him after tt. onli mi n marlom frm our class rite. oh my goodness. how gross can tis be. i dun noe lahz. i juz cant link w physics at all. no matter how i try. i hav been in physics remedial since sec 3. until j2. can u c how bad it is? if nt 4 e fact tt i dun like econs. i will hav nt taken physics le. hopefully there will be a miracle at e end of e yr. n i will be enlightened. but muz sae tt mr lee is reallie a vry gd teacher. guess i m vry fortunate 2 hav him as my physics teacher.
band prac 2dae is ok lahz. juz tt i keep on goin off pitch. feel quite nua. decided tt i shld nt play e beginnin 4 w heart n voice. coz e fingerins is juz 2 awkward 4 mi. i m nt used 2 it. n i dun hav time 2 get used 2 it le. n dawnie n samuel did a great job wat. so yahz. shall nt spoil it. hopefully all will be ok.
dreaming awae at 11:59 PM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
decided 2 change my blog song le. coz frm e feedback marlom gave mi. 'Kiss of Life' apparently abit misleadin. so yahz. changed it to 'Reflections'. hahaz. i m obsessed w tis song. wout noein y. oh dear. juz like last yr when i m obsessed w 'Dreaming of You' by Selena.
while searchin 4 tis mp3. came across tis website by a transexual. a man to a woman. n was readin thru his/her story lahz. feel quite sympathetic towards her. coz of e reactions of his family. esp his wife. i cant imagine manz.
guess tt's y tis song is so nice. coz it basically applied 2 alot of different scenarios. hahaz. n tis song reminds mi of samuel's blog. shld be more suitable there actuallie. hahaz.
Look at me
You may think you see
who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehowI will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that mustbe free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside
dreaming awae at 6:55 PM
went 4 my occupational therapy again todae. hav quite a nice time there. coz get 2 enjoy tis 'whirlpool' or dun noe wat lahz. so basically i juz place my hand inside tis machine tt has warm air at 44 degree celcius n hav soft sand. supposedly 2 help soften my skin n scar tissue. so tt i can clench my fist betta. which it did lahz. hahaz. i can like fully clenched my fist le! hahaz. so proud of myself.
aniwae my swellin is reallie vry bad lahz. even my therapist also sae tt. my left pinkie. at tt particular joint is onli 4.6 cm in diameter. but my rite pinkie is 5.6 cm in diameter. a difference of 1.0 cm. which is alot if u were 2 tink of e size of e pinkie. so now. i hav more tings 2 do at home. i need 2 moisturise my pinkie n rub it evenly 2 help reduce e swellin. n i need 2 tie tis tight bandage ard my finger so tt e blood circulation there will be reduced n e swellin will go down soon. but my hands still no strength lehz. coz she made mi clench tis gadget tt measure e amt of weight ur hand can carry. 4 my left hand it's 16 kg. but my rite hand onli 9 kg. oh dear. nvm i m goin 2 start doin push ups. hahaz. but wun be cin my therapist 4 next appointment le. coz she is goin on maternity leave soon. she is reallie vry nice, hope my next therapist will be nice too.
aniwae was quite scared of pe 2dae. coz ms sim is vry pissed. oopz. n i realise how lousy my stamina is now. coz i like 1 mths plus nv run le? then 2dae one go run 4 rounds. n i feel like i m goin 2 die. dotz. i m goin 2 fail nafpa. hmmz. n i seriously hav tis qn? aniwan noe wat happen 2 wu di's leg arhz? she supposedly sprain her ankle in like jan. then until now still cannt pe? like huh? i fractured my pinkie. went 4 op. n i can start pe le. n yj whose leg swell until reallie vry bad after her sprain. start 2 pe long time ago liao. so wat's wrong w wu di? hmmz. n i realise tt she goes 2 tan tock seng too. hahaz. we juz luv tt place.
went home w dawnie 2dae. hav a tok w her. hmmz. ok. i realise tt i m nt such a gd analyser after all. oh well. luckily i wasnt considerin it 2 be a full time job. hahaz. i m tokkin rubbish again. shall go n do my bio test now.
btw. i passed my chem test. so i officially passed maths n chem. but i confirmed 99.99% failed physics. coz i get like wat? 6 out of 24 for e mcq rite. n e rest of e paper. i like dun noe how 2 do? except e definitions. tt's how bad. oh well. i m now officially in physics remedial n chem remedial. coz ms tang tink tt i m still nt strong enough in e subj. sighz.
dreaming awae at 5:55 PM
Saturday, April 02, 2005
You scored as Latin. You should learn Latin! Though a dead language, Latin is present in science, history, English, and, of course, the Romance languages. Have fun with those declensions!
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What language should you learn?created with QuizFarm.comnow u shld noe y my eng is so lousy. i m juz nt suitable 4 e language. hahaz. great. juz great rite. n eng is my first lang. wat irony. no wonder my gp is on e verge of failin.
dreaming awae at 10:34 PM
oh my goodness. i juz receive my bill 4 my 2 daes in e hospital plus surgery. n seriously i tink i m goin 2 faint. reallie faint.
my operation cost a total of $808. juz 4 my tis small little unsightly finger. it costs $808. nt onli tt. e 2 small even more 'insignificant' screw inside my pinkie now cost $97 in total. which is equal to $48.50 per screw. so actuallie i gained in value lahz. hahaz. i m officially $97 more valuable now. w these 2 screws inside my pinkie. n i m vry horrified 2 noe tt e 'uneatable food' tt i had 4 2 daes cost mi $197. i m goin 2 faint. seriously. my therapy cost mi $73. so basically if i were 2 add everyting up i will get like a grand total of $1950. 4 juz a mere 2 daes stay n a small operation. actuallie it's a small operation tt involved alot of steps. i tink my anaesthetics cost alot of money. ocnsiderin i hav so many 'inputs' of anaesthetics. but in e end. will onli be payin $440. coz i m under govt subsidy lahz. stayed in a class C ward aniwae. yahz. poor pple like mi cant afford luxury.
tis tell mi tt i shld reallie take gd care of myself frm now on. n stop being so accident prone. which seriously is sumtin i cant help lahz. every pe lessoon. i will encounter at least 1 minor to major accident. my rite pinkie is 1 great example n onli example of major accident lahz. but at least now i noe e feelin of havin a fracture. so next time if i were 2 hav a fracture i wun mistake it as a sprain n drag e treatment until so long.
my bruise is spreadin again. like tt time durin play. when the bruise is so huge. i realise tt e sensation on my pinkie is diff frm e rest of e finger. 4 example. if i were 2 place my rite hand under runnin tap water. my first 4 fingers feel e same. but my pinkie feel vry weird. as though e water is colder. yet they r placed under e same runnin water. n tt certain parts of my pinkie is actuallie numb. i mean like if i tap tt specific part. e sensation is vry mild. sumtimes i dun even feel it. i wonder wat's happenin...did my nerve get injured? maybe i m juz worryin 2 much.
sumtimes i wonder who is readin tis blog. hahaz. but realise tt most of e time i juz cant list down my feelins here. coz i feel too exposed. if everywan noe how u tink n how u feel. wat will i be left w? though i luv company. i realise tt i value my privacy more. n silence may nt be tt bad after all.
band todae is even worse than yesterdae. well shall nt elaborate. basically tink tt maybe i shldnt join band after all. i m questionin my choice onli after like 1 yr. n onli when i hav 2 mths more 2 go. hahaz. i onli start 2 question my sanity 2dae. when i tell dawnie tt i had a reallie excitin 1 yr plus in rj. went thru all type of experience. both positive n negative. n even went 4 an operation. sumtin i seriously nv noe tt i will need to. n band is another major experience 4 mi. becoz of a simple reason. i m nt like samuel who uses bassoon 2 'sing'. i juz cant associate myself w tt image. due 2 a simple reason. when i was young i nv did learned music. i hated e music lessons in pri sch. coz i juz dun like e fact tt music is narrowed down to juz tt few 'bean sprouts'. i dun noe lahz. i juz dun like scales n theory. tt explains my non-existant noeledge of scales n all when i venture into band. but dun be mistaken. i luv music. new age. pop. soothin music all appeal to mi. but i juz hate e theory. n wout theory. i m left w notin. ha. sudden realisation now. maybe i m juz nt suitable.
went 4 bassoon lunch 2dae. hahaz. had so much fun eatin w dawnie n samuel. guess i will miss them vry vry much when i leave band. oh well. but sumtimes cant help but feel tt each of us is hidin behind a mask. maybe i m juz being paranoid. but as long as we enjoy each other's company i guess it doesnt reallie matter.
need 2 study physics now. maybe i shld juz stop bloggin.
[from sumwhere else]
band is bad todae. hahaz. wat shld i expect? seriously i tink tt i made a mistake lahz. i shldnt hav venture into a music cca. coz i m how unsuitable. but i guess it's too late le. too late 2 change anitin le. guess. i juz need 2 be thick skinned n continue 2 prac. but there r times when u hav alrdy tried everyting. tried n tried. u will juz feel tired. guess i m at tt stage now. dun noe lahz. i dun even noe wat i wanna 2 do now. i dun even wanna tink abt it.
i juz wan a break. a break frm all tis. but i noe i cant. maybe i m askin too much. juz wanna leave tis place. leave band. leave bassoon. leave rj. leave singapore. i need to breathe. to noe tt i m still alive. n nt walkin in a daze. juz cant put in ani effort in anitin. but time still tickle awae. i m losin grip le. sumtimes optimism n puttin in efforts to try juz doesnt help.
dreaming awae at 10:20 PM
Friday, April 01, 2005
b4 i 4get. HAPPIE BIRTHDAE TZE HAO! hahaz. hmmz. sang like a total of 2 birthdae songs 4 him. n his new socks look so cute. hahaz. but it muz be quite an experience 2 be born on april fool dae. hahaz.
n tis remind mi. 3 yrs back on tis vry dae. i started on my obs camp. hahaz. in e watch called tock seng. w instructor natalie. n mascots e macdonald frog n e bath duckies. miss tt period of time vry badly. hahaz. when notin matters much. besides being w ur watchmates n play hard n sleep. but guess tt will always juz be a memory le.
well. band 2dae is...bad 4 mi. vry bad. but guess tt's notin much i can do xcept 2 practise. get used 2 e fingerins more. breathe in e correct manner. n make everytin sound smoother. but time is runnin out le. i do hope tt i can make it in time. seriously.
sumtimes i reallie dun noe wat 2 do. coz everywan is ridden w probs. their own probs. n though at times i do reallie wanna help. i dun noe how. esp in areas tt i m e weakest in. but there r always times when others cant help mi/u. n i/u hav 2 stand up on our own. dare to believe. in no wan but urself. coz if i/u dun hav faith in myself/urself. we r declarin failure n e 'impossible' of ourselves. failures n successes r nt determined by e results nor e process (unlike pw) but how we c e incident. if i/u tink tt i/u hav done my/ur best n i/u hav no regrets. then i/u hav succeeded. by enriching my/ur life w another journey/experience.
tt's positive thots at work. i need an infinite amt of tt 2 survive thru e remainin daes til a tempo n A levels. lookin at my grades now. i always believe tt e depressin side of oneself shld be kept within tt person. coz if others c 2 much of ur depressin side. they will juz get tired 1 dae. coz after all. everywan is a human being. everywan hav his/her own probs. so as much as poss. we shld try 2 solve our own probs n onli ask 4 help when neccessary. but maybe i m wrong after all...
dreaming awae at 11:35 PM
ok. pai sehz. samuel. i hav a vry high tendency 2 tok alot. hahaz. tis is further reflected in my blog. when i will describe everyting under e sun n try 2 make my life sound interestin. ok enough rubbish. hahaz. erhz. juz wanna sae tt blogspot is nt tt fantastic after all 2. juz 1 dae after i compliment it 4 being a betta server than ebloggy. it is down. at least 4 my account. i cant log in due 2 an unspecified error. oh well. excellent. shall nt compliment anitin frm now on. hmmz.
played handball 4 pe on wed. yahz. u didnt c wrongly. handball. w my 'on e rd 2 recovery' pinkie. hahaz. it's so funnie. intuitively i will juz raise my rite hand 2 block e ball or try 2 catch it. but once i raise my hand i immediately realise tt my rite pinkie is still vulnerable n 'breakable'. n i will put down my hand straightafter tt. sighz. cldnt catch e ball properly also. hahaz. invented new waes 2 catch a ball arhz. so funnie. n tryin 2 dribble w my rite hand is reallie a vry 'strange' experience. i sorta 4get how 2 place my fingers le. hmmz. but did hav a great time lahz. at least i start 2 use my rite hand more actively le.
took chem common test after pe. in e library. frm 11 plus 2 1 plus. wat can i sae. i tink i abit e 2pid lahz. hahaz. which is no big surprise. yahz. 99.99% will be scorin a 0 for e first essay qn. coz i drew sumtin totally diff. n i didnt do part b n c at all. excellent. oh well. tink i will juz be goin 4 remedial lahz. sighz. which is expected. hmmz.
went 4 band after tt. my first band prac after 2 excitin wk in e hospital n at home. hahaz. abit off lahz. actuallie didnt get 2 ask e doc whether i can start playin bassoon le. but since he expect mi 2 do alot of tings by e time i c him again. i assume shld be can liao lahz. summore a tempo is like 1wk plus awae. muz start practisin liao. or else i will self destruct. hmmz.
cldnt play alot coz pinkie hurt alot. when i m pressin e key on e instru. it will cause my pinkie 2 be straight. but as my pinkie is vry swollen n hav a vry big bruise now. it cannt be straightened. so there's tis strain there. n my pitch is like totally off. so sighz. cldnt play lahz. basically.
took maths test yesterdae. after sch. was a totally horrible experience. coz i nv study integration at all. yahz. so like didnt do e integration qn. n e first order differential eqns qns. abit off lahz. but still. i managed 2 pass w my power series n differentiation. hahaz. i m so gd rite. i totally agree. ok. abit off.
went 2 sectionals after tt. felt vry apologetic 2wards samuel n dawnie. 4 makin them wait 4 mi. sighz. i m abit e guilty. but was quite happie tt i m gettin sum of my feelin 4 e bassoon back. i mean nt tt i hate it. but i m gettin e feelin tt i used 2 experience when i play bassoon back then. n guess wat. i realise sumtin. my tuner/metronome which i always complaint tt it's spolit is actuallie nt spolit. but i connected e batteries wrongly since like dun noe how mani billion yrs ago. tis is e reason y i cldnt use it at all. i m totally amazed at my own stupidity. great manz.
will be takin physics 2molo or sundae. coz e paper is w mi. tink i m goin 2 fail it. but tt's no big surprise. n bio on tues. oh dear. my best subj. i betta score e best still. or else i will nv luv sch. hahaz. okok. i m gettin incoherant.
sumtimes juz wan sumwan 2 reallie listen. listen. n nt take it as a passin comment n make fun of it. or sumwan 2 reallie tok 2. but guess everywan is e same lahz. i cant help but feel tt wae. i m gettin tired. n i m gettin more silent. coz i dun bother 2 tell aniwan now.
dreaming awae at 2:40 PM
