Reflection
Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you'll never know me.
Everyday,
it's as if I play
A part.
Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.
But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show,
who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be
a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
Friday, May 27, 2005
well. i didnt do ani work yesterdae nite. so obviously 2dae's tutorials i was abit e blur blur like tt. hahaz. aniwae 2dae my class was involved in tis 'live radio' programme ting. yahz. 93.8. n it was rather hilarious tt my whole class onli marlom spoke. while e other arts class. alot of pple were expressin their views. maybe it's becoz they r more expressive lahz. i dun noe. hahaz. but maybe next time they shldnt ask a typical science class like my class. hahaz. we were reallie stonin there. n i cldnt reallie understand sum of e stuff said. tis shows how limited my vocab is. n i tink tt e discussion is rather single directional. e scope wasnt explored fully. yahz. but in view of my tendency 2 slip into singlish. i prefer to keep my mouth shut. hahaz. 4 e sake of rjc's reputation.
aniwae hav a short chat w yii ean 2dae. after lesson. n was pleasantly surprised 2 find us sharin rather similar views on stuff. maybe tis reallie reflects e fact tt we r both rationals lahz. one of 4 types of pple used in a personality test. i still remember ard 2 to 3 yrs ago. when we did tis test back in ny. yii ean cldnt believe tt i m like tt. maybe now it shows e more accurate version of mi ba. chat w yee keow too. hahaz. quite stimulatin u noe. n i do prefer 1 to 1 chattin.
e next half of e entry is rather long. so if u dun hav e time. dun read.
recently i realised sumtin. tt i hav been livin a lie all my life. at least 4 e past 17 yrs. it's rather scary actuallie. come 2 tink abt it. 2 realise tt u dun noe e person u were. hahaz. well. actuallie i can still find e present mi in e past mi. but was hidden by alot of other stuff n factors. tt 'deceived' mi into tinkin other wise.
lookin back. i find myself rather funnie. hahaz. as e youngest child within e family. i was spoilt rotten. even though i wasnt rich. ok lahz. i wasnt rotten. but i was definitely a spoilt kid. i sae tis becoz i was showered w attention where eva i go. esp when i visit my relatives in malaysia. but u c e prob is. i dun hav aniwan who is close 2 my age. my bro n sis are 9 n 8 yrs older than mi respectively. even my god mum's sons r 11, 9 n 4 yrs older than mi. in other words. i dun hav aniwan i can reallie link w. so actuallie i was an introvert. tis basically explains y i like soft toys n cute cuddly stuff so much. coz they provide e comfort tt i cant find. adults dun listen 2 wat children has 2 sae. at least 4 my case. coz everywan is at a diff phrase of their lives. they dun understand wat i was goin thru reallie. n i started 2 keep up tis front tt i m survivin reallie well. n in order to make them listen. i started 2 tok alot. but actuallie e words hav near 2 zero meanin in them. 2 prevent myself frm being neglected. i started 2 try 2 make frenz. even though i dun like 2. hahaz. i bet tis sound weird. yes. u didnt read wrongly. i dun like 2 make frenz. but due 2 e desire 2 hav sumwan near mi who understands mi or try 2 understand mi. i started to 'become extorvert' n make frenz. maybe it's tis goal tt keeps mi goin. i started 2 believe in e image i create. i 'forced' myself 2 believe tt i m sumwan who likes 2 make fren. be in e centre of attention n loud. but actuallie i m waitin 4 sumwan 2 search beneath n find mi. which obviously nt alot of pple did lahz. i thot tt by havin alot of frenz i wun be neglected. well. i m wrong. quite evidently. hahaz. n tt's when i realise tt havin dear frenz r alot more impt than havin alot of 'so-so' frenz.
tryin 2 be nice 2 everywan n befrenz everywan is reallie a vry tirin ting 2 do. i did tt so i noe how it feels. i guess i m reallie thanxful tt i broke my finger. coz it shatters tis facade tt i created 4 myself. makes mi realise who i m reallie. n wat i tink reallie. e past mi hate 2 be alone. coz i dun wanna tink. tinkin scares mi. i tink tis sound a bit weird. but tis is reallie how i feel. esp when i wasnt ready 2 deal w them. but now i sorta accepts it. n i m a serious (or supposedly) person by nature. n i do hate crowds. noise. n confusion. hahaz. i prefer 2 analyse stuff until it's rather clear 2 mi. so if i stop tokin as much as i used 2. pls dun be mistaken. it is nt becoz i hate u/dislike u/misunderstood u. juz tt i dun c e need 2 tok so much crap as i used 2. n i m nt goin 2 put in all e efforts 2 like sumwan. coz in my opinion. if i can click w u. then i can click w u. if nt. no matter how hard i try. i m juz goin 2 make myself miserable. but i wun dislike u. i will juz accept u. juz tt we will most prob nt share e closeness tt real frenz hav.
being alone is reallie peaceful. hahaz. i guess i nv thot i will sae tis. but loneliness doesnt seem 2 be so scary after all. at least i still hav myself. n of course. all my cuties. hahaz.
dreaming awae at 6:39 PM
