Friday, April 15, 2005
tis is written on 29 March. in my private blog. i tink tis is reallie how i feel nowadaes. sumtimes i reallie wish tt time does heal. n i realise tt sumtimes it is reallie easier 2 write down feelins then 2 tell sumwan abt it.
truthfully speakin. i dun noe wat's wrong w mi. hav been cryin at e most unexpected moments 4 e past 3 daes. maybe i m feelin stressed. maybe i m juz tired. maybe i m juz afraid. i seriously dun noe. since no wan noe e existance of tis blog. it makes mi feel alot betta. coz i m usin tis blog to clear my thots n tok 2 myself.
hav e op 4 my fractured rite little finger. e details r in e other blog. titled "Bloggie" in e rite column. there is 2 screws inside e finger now. but my finger is no longer straight. it can no longer be straight n as flexible as it used 2 be. i dun noe whether i m mournin e loss of a gift tt i hav always taken 4 granted or wat. but wheneva i tink of my pinkie or e pain i endured becoz of it. i juz start 2 cry.
sumtimes i juz wan sumwan 2 listen 2 mi. 2 reallie listen 2 mi n nt take my words as jokes or sacarstic comments. nt 2 joke ard w my words n thots. but i guess no wan is able 2 do tt w mi after all. maybe it's all my fault. i hav been jokin ard 2 much all my life. i was nv serious once in my life. maybe i hav been sendin e wrong signals 2 those ard mi after all. as sumwan whose optimism is unbeatable in e world. who always laugh or whine. who always appear pissed or happie. sad is a word i believe no wan will associate w mi. but guess wat. i feel juz like tt now.
after e initial shock n lack of reaction or time to tink abt it. everyting juz started 2 come back 2 mi. true. my pinkie hav been fractured 4 1 mth n 2 wks le. but 4 e first 1 mth. i was happie. i mean i didnt take it vry seriously. coz i was sorta assured tt my pinkie though fractured. is still quite ok. n i hav e choice to dun go 4 operation. but i guess everyting juz change on 16 March. durin e hols when i went back 2 c my surgeon. when he tell mi tt 'u hav 2 make a decision todae'. e exact same words he sae 2 mi when i first c him n he gave mi e choice of nt goin 4 op. n i noe tis time round. i wun be given much chance. at tt pt of time. i was reallie at a loss of wat 2 do. seriously. how i shld react? wat shld i tink? wat will happen to mi? all e uncertainty juz flood up 2 mi n i guess. as a defensive mechanism. 2 prevent myself frm breakin down. i juz shut those feelins n qns up sumwhere inside mi. n deal w it as though it's juz ani other normal stuff tt i faced everydae. but u noe wat? deep inside i m so afraid. i was makin all e decisions myself. tis shuttin up of e feelins is further fasciliated by e fast schedule i was presented with. i was scheduled for op on 17 March. e dae after i c e doc. i seriously hav no time 2 tink at all. i m being pushed down tis rd nt noein wat i was doin on tis rd. or refusin 2 qn y m i doin all tis n stuff. everyting happen juz so quickly tt i hav no time 2 tink or qn. as sumwan who aspire 2 be a future doc. i sorta force myself. or make myself believe tt i m on a 'learnin journey'. a journey 2 noe more abt how a hospital works. becoz i was attached 2 hospitals twice. now i m in a hospital as a patient. in a diff kind of role. y shldnt i juz treat tis like a learnin experience?
true enough. i tried 2 learn as much as poss. every changing of dressin is a learnin experience 4 mi. e aftermath of e op is also a learnin experience. frm e removin of e more bulky dressin to occupational therapy to e removal of stitches. i learnt alot of tings. n sorta make mi understand n c 4 myself e imptance of e interactions between certain grps of pple.
but when all e excitement n shock died down. n when everyting juz become routine. n u accept them 2 be part of ur life. all those locked feelins juz started 2 come back n flood up ur whole mind. when e pain become worse. n u noe tt u r suppose 2 cut down on ur painkillers n stop relyin on e painkillers. but u juz cldnt do it. it juz prove 2 u tt u cant do it. u cant juz treat it like 'an incident' n tuck it awae sumwhere. u cant. i tried. n i failed. when i m forcin myself 2 do e finger exercise n lookin at how little control i hav over my rite pinkie. i juz cldnt help but feel e sense of failure. n regret. tt i hav always everyting 4 granted. e pain tt come w every bending. e constant pain durin e finger exercise. n e fact tt no wan reallie understand wat u r goin thru. sumtimes it's juz 2 much 4 one 2 bear.
hav been cryin in class. tried vry hard 2 control. but e tears juz rolled down. n luckily no wan realised. though i m like sittin in e middle of so mani pple. was tryin 2 straighten my finger durin lesson. but it juz absolutely refuses to. n when i touched my finger. i can alrdy feel e hard bone even though it's nt straight. i m so scared tt it's nv goin 2 be straight. though i keep on tellin myself it's becoz of e swellin n e wound. but. sumtimes no matter how much positive thots u hav. it juz doesnt help.
e expectations i hav of myself. e expectations of my surgeons. but my own weakness n failure juz make all tis seem so hard. it's juz onli a finger. but i cant even overcome it. overcome all e pain n regain my confidence n control n strength in the finger. tears juz collect within my eyes n start rollin down wheneva i tink of e pain i went thru n e uncertainty of success in e future. there r reallie times when i feel so tired tt i juz wanna stop all tis n give up. but i noe i will regret it. but lookin at it everydae. every moment. i juz cant help but feel helpless. n e tears will nv stop...
tis is written on 1 April
do u eva hav such a feelin. when u r in e middle of a rm tt is filled w pple. yet u feel vry much alone. as if those ard u r notin but a blur of movin images. n u r juz there. sittin there. alone. vry much alone. n no matter how hard u try 2 reach to those movin images u juz cant do it.hav been cryin myself 2 sleep everydae. cried so much tt 1 of e daes my eyes r so swollen tt it is vry obvious 2 1 person tt i hav been cryin. yes. 1 person onli. how pathetic. how tragic. hahaz. i m supposed 2 hav alot of frenz. but wat happen 2 these frenz?
i realise tt keepin silence. keepin everyting inside is a much betta option than 2 tell aniwan. coz in e end. nt much of wat i sae will be listened by others. n i will juz feel neglected after e experience. n loneliness will start 2 creep in.
hav been listenin e e song 'Reflections' over n over again. i feel as though it's juz describin mi. i m tt gurl who cannt identify herself w e person/image she saw in e mirror animore. puttin up a happy facade is vry tirin. a facade of optimism. a mask of cheerfulness. when wat i wan is juz 2 find a corner n hide myself there. n let e tears flow.even bloggin in tis blog will make my tears flow. i m reallie wonderin. wat hav happen 2 mi? wat happen 2 e 'old mi'? hav i changed so much tt i cant recognise myself animore?
well. tt basically sum it up. wat i feel nowadaes. y i will always get into mood swings. but i muz sae sumtin. i do learn 2 be lonely. 2 learn how 2 be alone. coz sumtimes. be w urself is e best remedy. is e best wae 4 urself 2 learn more abt urself. n finally come 2 terms w urself. i guess ultimately i will juz hav 2 continue 2 live w e pain. n hopefully soon. i will learn how 2 be e mi i always noe.
