Thursday, April 28, 2005
ok. hahaz. i realise tt i didnt blog 4 quite sum time. so let mi juz warn u. tis will be a vry vry vry to e power of infinity long entry. so if u r those who refused 2 read long entry. dun read tis ok? coz i m goin 2 use quite abit of tis entry as a wae 2 tok 2 myself. yupz.
first of all. let mi first wish Ju Yuan a happie belated birthdae. n my dear gurlz arhz. xiu li happie birthdae! i almost 4got ur birthdae. i m so sorrie. oopz.
n i muz sae tt i saw my little niece on sundae lahz. she is so small. reallie vry vry vry small. though she is like 2 mths old. but she onli weight 2kg. yahz. u get my pt. but she has reallie big eyes n ear lobes. juz like mi. hahaz. confirm a pretti gurl in e future. hahaz. actuallie my sis used 2 sae tt when i was a baby. she thot tt i will become a pretti gurl. but unfortunately. tings didnt turn out tt wae. muz be becoz she dropped mi on e ground while carryin mi when i was a baby. sighz. poor mi. hahaz.
aniwae i was tellin my mummy tt i seem 2 be like a big sis 2 my niece more than an aunt. n i most prob will e wan who luves her reallie alot. e wan who will bring her shoppin. buy her presenz every yr 4 her birthdae etc. support her if she hav ani performance. coz i tink i hope tt she will nt make e mistakes i made in life ba. hmmz.
mondae is quite nua lahz. received back my progress report. in which i hav all e subj w e grade MC except GP which i get B3. yupz. which confirmed will nt happen again 4 e next 2 major exams. n mr low is vry cunnin. in his comments. he stated tt even though i didnt take my common tests. but frm all my retests it is evident tt i need 2 put in alot more efforts in my work. wow liao. i hate him. hmmz. n chem prac is quite funnie. hahaz.
as 4 tues. life is pretti much e same. except tt i realise tt i cant do probability qns vry well. hmmz. need 2 work hard. n bio prac is quite nua lahz. sighz. i dun noe lahz. i m feelin abit empty recently. yahz.
erhz. yesterdae is a vry painful dae. coz i slammed my pinkie against my maths tys. n e pain is so bad tt e tears juz collect in my eyes. n e contact part is on on my joint there. so i hav tis ugly red mark on my joint w a even bigger n uglier bruise. e pain is so intense until it becomes numb. i hope i didnt make it worse. coz my next appt is like on 5 July. in between. i reallie hope noting else happen. as 4 my dae. notin much 2 sae except tt e dance nite rehearsal is definitely abit off. as 4 other comments i tink i will save them 4 later. was reallie pissed w some pple. shall nt complaint 2 much. nt gd 4 health. hahaz.
as 4 2dae. i survived chem remedial n bio test. hahaz. which is 2tally rubbish lahz. n e most dotz ting is e fact tt i torn my rite lens wout noein it. oopz. so yahz. was wearin my supreme old permanent contact lens which is a big mistake. coz i cldnt reallie c clearly. n it makes my eye vry vry dry. yuckz.
2 dawnie. i hope u still remember wat i sae earlier. abt 4givin urself. e whole process takes time. it doesnt happen overnite. n wheneva u feel tt u lack e motivation. pls juz tink of mi. tink of all my hopes n dreamz. since i m nt in syf animore. juz pretend tt u r playin on behalf of e both of us ok? i will be there 2 watch u all. n i hope tt u can reallie play 4 mi 2. once u realise tt u hav walk out of tis. u will discover a stronger u. i will be waitin 4 u 2 tell mi tt personally. jia you.
aniwae i was tokin 2 yee ke-ow yesterdae lahz. n sorta start mi off tinkin abt stuff. like wat if i hav make other choices. wat if i hav done other tings. will my life be diff? will i be happier? will i still be e same person?
standin here n lookin back. i realise tt i hav make alot of mistakes. e first mistake begins w e fact tt i quit canoein. e cca tt i set myself 2 be in rite frm e start. n i can juz tell u tt e trainins r reallie hard. esp e physical land trainin. i reallie almost died. due 2 e fact tt i didnt reallie exercise 4 a vry vry long time. my fitness is like basically non existent. n e water trainin r reallie difficult 2. esp due 2 e fact tt i hav vry sensitive skin. so everytime i go down into e water. my whole face will be covered w rashes. patches of red n swollen bits of skin. basically i looked gross. n i shocked quite a few of my x teammates.
but i still feel happie n belonged. though i was reallie physically vry tired. n though my canoein skills r nt reallie tt gd. n i keep on capsizin. but i did learn sumting. n i did hav fun. n e coach is a reallie nice person. a vry vry nice person. who gave us encouragements all e time. if poss i wun nt hav leave canoe. if onli i dun hav 2 make a choice then.
my relationship w my bro was nv gd after i were in sec 2. n being 2 vry stubborn n headstrong pple we refused 2 apologise 2 each other or tok 2 each other. we were maintainin tt kind of like strangers relationship. my mama was reallie vry upset abt it. but like i juz said. in my opinion. as long as i tink i didnt do anitin wrong. i dun c e reason y i shld apologise. n e onli compliment i received frm him e past few yrs was on e dae of o levels results. when he msged mi 'Congratulations. you hav proven wrong yet again'. yahz. tis is how bad our relationship is.
he was vry angree w mi 4 join canoe. coz as one of e mani njc alumni. he hav frens who were in canoe n did vry badly 4 a levels. n he was tellin my parents tt i wun study becoz of e trainins n tt i will do vry vry badly 4 my a levels. as he was e eldest son. n e most accomplished in e family. my parents listened 2 him. n my mama started 2 coax mi 2 leave canoe. tis resulted in a big row in e family. n i was so mad. mad tt he is makin all e choices 4 mi. mad tt y he shld interfere w my life. mad tt y shld i give up sumtin i like? tis of course ended up w mi shuttin myself in e rm n cryin.
my mama was vry upset. n she came into e rm 2 tok 2 mi. n try 2 make mi c my bro's pt of view. n i do noe y he sae tt. coz he doesnt wan mi 2 throw awae everyting onli at a levels. but e pt is i m confident tt i can do it. howeva when my mama sae tt if i dun give up canoe. my bro will be vry angree w mi. n i realise tt if i dun give it up. e relationship will be even more tensed. at tt point of time i sorta make up my mind.
i started 2 persuade myself tt canoe is nt 4 mi after all. tt firstly. i hav vry sensitive skin. n tis is definitely nt goin 2 help my condition. 2ndly. e trainins r reallie hard. n i dun hav e physical fitness 2 meet up w it. 3rdly. alot of pple started 2 tell mi 2 quit canoe. i was at a loss of wat 2 do.
e last dae i went down 2 e kallang river was 2 c my coach. n he was reallie vry vry nice. still as nice as eva. n when i was tokin 2 him. i cried. e first time i cried over a cca. e first time i felt reallie vry lost. he tell mi tt i will be a gd canoeist. he ask mi whether i will miss all tis trainins. all my teammates. but i cldnt speak. n tears juz roll down my face. e comfort i received frm my teammates is reallie vry touchin. but i noe tt i need 2 leave 2 prevent further tension within e family.
e daes after i quit canoein was in a mess. yee keow sae tt i look reallie vry lost. n i was desperately searchin 4 a cca. but i realise tt i cant find ani interest in ani of them. n it was at tt pt of time tt marlom offered mi a place in band. offered mi a glimpse of bassoon. n i muz sae i reallie like bassoon alot. reallie.
i joined band. tinkin tt i m fully prepared 4 everyting tt is 2 come. but how wrong i was. e beginin was reallie hard. reallie vry hard. i hav 2 make do w a reed frm dun noe where n is like how old. i hav 2 learn all e fingerins myself. n try playin all e notes. but e prob is. i dun even noe whether i sound correct or nt. i hav basically. no noeledge on music theory. i dun noe how a bassoon supposed 2 sound like. i also dun noe how 2 tongue. wat shld be e correct wae 2 shape my mouth 2 bring out e tone. nobody teach mi. my rhythm was reallie vry vry bad. i dun even noe how 2 read scores. alot of time i reallie feel like givin up. seriously. but i keep on tellin myself tt i can do it. i can do it wout aniwan's help. i will survive. i will make it 4 syf. which i obviously didnt. but tt's nt e main ting.
n wheneva i saw e canoe gurlz trainin. i cant help but wonder how will i look like now if i m part of them. how will my life be? will i be happy? will i be content? will i still be tis person i noe? i guess i will nv noe. guess it doesnt matter now. e decision was made n time hav moved on. e mi now is in a greatest mess i eva noe. i tink tis is wat they mean when they sae tt one wrong step will ruin ur life. luckily tis is nt tt bad. but it does cause more obstacles 2 appear in front of mi now. till now. i still wondered. was my decision 2 throw awae my interest 4 my family a correct choice. guess there is no use harpin on it since i cant go back n live my life all over again.
as 2 my band batchmates. i juz wanna sae tt u all r vry special 2 mi 2. it's juz tt suddenly i realise tt i hav notin 2 sae 2 u all now. i dun noe wat 2 sae 2 u all. maybe rite frm e start i shldnt hav joined band. but i muz sae tt becoz of u all. my band life hav been reallie wonderful n special. thanx 4 everyting. n 2 marlom. i dun blame u 4 'pullin' mi into band. coz i noe tt u wanna 2 help mi as a fren. dun feel bad abt it. juz wanna sae thanx to u. coz i noe u reallie treat mi as a gd fren.
