Reflection
Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you'll never know me.
Everyday,
it's as if I play
A part.
Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.
Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.
But somehow,
I will show the world what's inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.
Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show,
who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?
Must there be
a secret me
I'm forced to hide
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show
who I am inside?
Saturday, April 02, 2005
oh my goodness. i juz receive my bill 4 my 2 daes in e hospital plus surgery. n seriously i tink i m goin 2 faint. reallie faint.
my operation cost a total of $808. juz 4 my tis small little unsightly finger. it costs $808. nt onli tt. e 2 small even more 'insignificant' screw inside my pinkie now cost $97 in total. which is equal to $48.50 per screw. so actuallie i gained in value lahz. hahaz. i m officially $97 more valuable now. w these 2 screws inside my pinkie. n i m vry horrified 2 noe tt e 'uneatable food' tt i had 4 2 daes cost mi $197. i m goin 2 faint. seriously. my therapy cost mi $73. so basically if i were 2 add everyting up i will get like a grand total of $1950. 4 juz a mere 2 daes stay n a small operation. actuallie it's a small operation tt involved alot of steps. i tink my anaesthetics cost alot of money. ocnsiderin i hav so many 'inputs' of anaesthetics. but in e end. will onli be payin $440. coz i m under govt subsidy lahz. stayed in a class C ward aniwae. yahz. poor pple like mi cant afford luxury.
tis tell mi tt i shld reallie take gd care of myself frm now on. n stop being so accident prone. which seriously is sumtin i cant help lahz. every pe lessoon. i will encounter at least 1 minor to major accident. my rite pinkie is 1 great example n onli example of major accident lahz. but at least now i noe e feelin of havin a fracture. so next time if i were 2 hav a fracture i wun mistake it as a sprain n drag e treatment until so long.
my bruise is spreadin again. like tt time durin play. when the bruise is so huge. i realise tt e sensation on my pinkie is diff frm e rest of e finger. 4 example. if i were 2 place my rite hand under runnin tap water. my first 4 fingers feel e same. but my pinkie feel vry weird. as though e water is colder. yet they r placed under e same runnin water. n tt certain parts of my pinkie is actuallie numb. i mean like if i tap tt specific part. e sensation is vry mild. sumtimes i dun even feel it. i wonder wat's happenin...did my nerve get injured? maybe i m juz worryin 2 much.
sumtimes i wonder who is readin tis blog. hahaz. but realise tt most of e time i juz cant list down my feelins here. coz i feel too exposed. if everywan noe how u tink n how u feel. wat will i be left w? though i luv company. i realise tt i value my privacy more. n silence may nt be tt bad after all.
band todae is even worse than yesterdae. well shall nt elaborate. basically tink tt maybe i shldnt join band after all. i m questionin my choice onli after like 1 yr. n onli when i hav 2 mths more 2 go. hahaz. i onli start 2 question my sanity 2dae. when i tell dawnie tt i had a reallie excitin 1 yr plus in rj. went thru all type of experience. both positive n negative. n even went 4 an operation. sumtin i seriously nv noe tt i will need to. n band is another major experience 4 mi. becoz of a simple reason. i m nt like samuel who uses bassoon 2 'sing'. i juz cant associate myself w tt image. due 2 a simple reason. when i was young i nv did learned music. i hated e music lessons in pri sch. coz i juz dun like e fact tt music is narrowed down to juz tt few 'bean sprouts'. i dun noe lahz. i juz dun like scales n theory. tt explains my non-existant noeledge of scales n all when i venture into band. but dun be mistaken. i luv music. new age. pop. soothin music all appeal to mi. but i juz hate e theory. n wout theory. i m left w notin. ha. sudden realisation now. maybe i m juz nt suitable.
went 4 bassoon lunch 2dae. hahaz. had so much fun eatin w dawnie n samuel. guess i will miss them vry vry much when i leave band. oh well. but sumtimes cant help but feel tt each of us is hidin behind a mask. maybe i m juz being paranoid. but as long as we enjoy each other's company i guess it doesnt reallie matter.
need 2 study physics now. maybe i shld juz stop bloggin.
[from sumwhere else]
band is bad todae. hahaz. wat shld i expect? seriously i tink tt i made a mistake lahz. i shldnt hav venture into a music cca. coz i m how unsuitable. but i guess it's too late le. too late 2 change anitin le. guess. i juz need 2 be thick skinned n continue 2 prac. but there r times when u hav alrdy tried everyting. tried n tried. u will juz feel tired. guess i m at tt stage now. dun noe lahz. i dun even noe wat i wanna 2 do now. i dun even wanna tink abt it.
i juz wan a break. a break frm all tis. but i noe i cant. maybe i m askin too much. juz wanna leave tis place. leave band. leave bassoon. leave rj. leave singapore. i need to breathe. to noe tt i m still alive. n nt walkin in a daze. juz cant put in ani effort in anitin. but time still tickle awae. i m losin grip le. sumtimes optimism n puttin in efforts to try juz doesnt help.
dreaming awae at 10:20 PM
